University again?

Well, may I say that a stage of my life is close to completion (understand how to make myself feel better). The thing is, the next one is coming.
I feel as though it is quite a daunting task to decide what to do. Everyone (parents, gf, but also some sensible people) keeps saying that I should get involved is something serious (not like learning a language or theatre, which eventually are not going to be my main area of work).
I look at the courses and such, and apart from the utter pain in the neck that all the signing up bureaucracy must involve, I can't say that I have seen something that really gives me a spark. Or at least the will to start all over again.

And one has to consider that Buenos Aires has all sorts of courses and generally a wide academic offer; I also see how much people enjoy the social side of it.

But I have to admit that the first feeling I get when I think about university is fear. Fear of failing, basically. University here is very different from university in the UK and is a lot tougher and more competitive, too. For example I got a scholarship in the UK but it is virtually impossible to get one here, simply because I am not a genius.
Then there is the latent competition with others, comparisons with the others or with one's expectations.
It's like throwing myself back into a, so to say, unprotected environment, which I suspect (and from that comes the anguish) is not going to do me good psychologically, because of the aforementioned issues.

And! I also haven't found something that sort of 'wakes up my senses', which is essential.

I just don't know what to do with myself!

Stuff I got tired of

I'm going to write a list of stuff I grew tired of.

See you in a couple days.

I am sad tonight

I am sad tonight, as I was happy this morning for a moment.

Today I saw happiness. She was a fresh breeze and a warming sun in a lazy working Monday morning.
But she sweeply ran away, frolicking, as mindless and free as only she can be.

Nothing is as fragile as happiness. I wish she were a spider web, delicate and stubborn.

I expected the sting in the tail

The feeling of actually building up something in your life is great, and I had been missing that for the last year or so.
Building up on life, on the relationship, on friends. The feeling of settling, of starting to define one's identity, comes with a sense of stability, or maybe the latter is the cause of the earlier.
I also decided, because of that, to cut down on the counselling sessions: I'll go once a fortnight instead of once a week. Which is some monetary saving, too.
There goes the important bit of the post. The rest, is just some blabbing!




So, the week I dearly dreaded is done and dusted. And I say "done and dusted" because I believe it kind of sealed a stage of my stay here in Buenos Aires.
On the same day, incidentally a Tuesday 13th (bad luck in Latin/catholic countries), my parents went back to Italy, I went to a seminar about Energy Certification (possibly a new path in my career), and I had the theatre year exhibit, which came along with some sort of performance-related stress as well as a decent amount of long-standing effort.
It all turned out nice.
I felt that my parent's trip's real drive was actually to spend some time together and make sure I was alright. I expected the sting in the tail, which normally came at the dinner table, every night before they left, patronising and briefing me about what I should do or should've done in my life.
The exhibit felt great (can't tell if it -actually- was great, ha!) and we, as a group, sensed accomplishment. Celebratory dinner is set for next Tuesday (the only day we could agree on).

And, on a side note, friends are leaving for the Christmas holidays; on one hand is sad because it means I'll be lonelier for a little while; on the other hand, goodbye/end-of-year parties and dinners are flying in!

10 days ago I didn't see me saying this but: happy times!

I don't get along

I don't get along.
This may just be not my place. I like going to theatre classes, but the feeling I get as I get out of them is quite depressing.
On the other hand, I am enjoying so much plenty of stuff, radios, music, books, from the UK and Italy.
I feel I have come to the wrong place for me (which doesn't imply it is bad for others, at all).

And this doesn't have anything to do with the relationship.

Oddity / ID

Well, I'm growing into thinking I'm a bit odd.

As in: my kind of humour, the way I tend to cry when I am really happy, the way I see myself in the world, my own identity, how I really cannot be bothered too much about my own 24th birthday. Add to that, my non-necessity to despise and segregate people who are not "in my group" (do I really have a group, anyway?). I feel really sorry for my co-workers who do it.

All of these things don't really upset me, to be fair. It may be a sign of some sort of settling; I am quite satisfied with the way I reacted to the last few times I was starting to be blue. In fact, it also relates to how tired I am (I'm going out very often at night).

I also am very happy because yesterday I got my Argentine ID card (DNI, Documento Nacional de Identidad), which is extremely useful for, well, just about everything. I then also proceeded, on the same day, to make some more paperwork to get the equivalent of the National Insurance number and the all the paraphernalia I need to register into in order to be able to pay properly taxes and NI contributions (and also get access to better health services than the local NHS, which is not bad but tremendously undersized compared to the population that it should serve). So, yay for that!
I also immediately (first thing I did upon reception of the DNI) got a public transport top-up card (equivalent to London's OysterCard), which is -again- great news because one can board buses, the Subte/tube/subway/metro and most of urban trains as well (coverage is not full yet) without having to worry about having spare coins or about having small change (something which is quite an issue here in Buenos Aires).

Looking forward to enjoying the countryside and a nice swimming pool from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning (bank holiday here in Argentina). Then Monday night, I'll back in BsAs to go to an asado in honour of the birthdays of another Italian friend of mine and mine! Can't wait!!

DNI-Day

So, tomorrow I should get my DNI (Argentine National ID for foreigners). After just about a year and a month (my slowness and bureaucracy's slowness). Way to go! They decided to come around on one of those few days of the week when I'm never at home (came back at 1.30am after watching a film and dining with the Italians and then, later for a coke at a fast-food -I didn't want any- with the Peruvians), basically monday and tuesday. The superintendent of the apartment block (portero) somehow wasn't there to pick it up for me when the private mail service came around...I'm going to pick it up personally, tomorrow morning!

Although I'm happy about this thing in particular, I realised I am not making more Argentine friends! The newest people I've met or gone out with are either Italian or Peruvian. Ok, I've got the bunch of guys from theatre classes, yet we haven't really met outside classes. Got invited to a club party by this classmate (alongside other hundreds)...oh hang on, she's French. Such a hottie, she's modeling too...but she's just as hot in person and she's really friendly too. Well and smart, I must assume, since she just passed the BAC exam (quite a tough one! tougher than the Maturità in Italy; and incomparably tougher than Argentine high school's last year exams). And she's 18 haha. Way out of my league, to be fair. She'll be going back to France in a matter of months to go to uni wohoo! Fun times, uni!

Mixed updates

Wow, I can't really keep on wasting my body like this for much longer. I've binge-drinking for the past week and god knows I feel intoxicated; I've never drunk as much in my entire life, up to the point of not remembering exactly what I drank last night. I do manage to hold it better and I do not make a fool of myself in public (contrary to what other people I know do), but still, the day after (like today) the hangover is quite awful, especially at work. Going out with this kind of people, or at least doing it in this way, is not doing me good. I follow suit.

And another thing I need to give up is nail biting..last week I basically tore apart half of my left index finger's nail. I keep on doing it over and over again just as a habit (it's not even a matter of being nervous) and the longest I've managed without doing that was 2 or 3 weeks.

It sounds bad, but I'm growing the idea that I need to go to the gym (again!). I've started many times, but basically always because someone prompted me to..it wasn't an idea of mine. This time it is, I'm worried, though, that gym will turn out to be boring, as it always did to me. Is it worth investing little money in buying a little mp3 player to bring with me?

Talking about this stuff, and also considering that next month I might be able to buy me something (if I don't drain all the money in Christmas presents)...
Technology is leaving me. My camera's battery has officially died, my earphones are nearly broken (the sound level depends on how twisted the cable is), my laptop freezes from time to time, my mobile is just old (almost had it for 5 years)..and well I do have an IPod, but I would be surprised if it didn't fall apart yet (it dates back from June 2005)...
On the bright side, a new mp3 player with earphones shouldn't cost a fortune, so does a simple mobile and maybe a free tune-up of my laptop will improve its performance..so well, I might as well financially survive the moment when my dear old stuff will be gone.

At theatre classes I had quite a bad moment as I was impersonating a nervy character; I eventually became quite anxious myself, connecting with unpleasant situations of my life, it felt as if the blood had been drained from my limbs, blood pressure went down and I was sweating out of pure anxiety. That is the kind of energy I am looking for on the stage, though.

Shower

I need a shower quickly.
Somehow I feel filthy.
Quite frustrated.
Worthless.
I had to do so many things this afternoon (aside from following Berlusconi's exit) yet I could not do a thing because I had a beer too many at lunch and slept through the whole afternoon.
Add to it the frustration over the fact that the phone company Telecom Argentina is just pure incompetence (they sent my telephone bill to another province, duh!), the fact that no jobs are coming in at work (which means someone will have to be fired soon) and that I'm dating my gf again, but certain feelings don't go away...

Gosh, why do I have to be so complicated, so wound up with such little details...I was watching Dr.House on the telly, and I came to realise I didn't get over the trauma (let's call it that way) of my father being hospitalised...and that was ages ago!!! It still makes me feel anguished although he's fine now.
And every little thing which does not go right with my gf upsets me a lot...
There really are certain days when I do not like myself, and I guess nobody can blame me for that!

At least I feel angry and not depressed, ha.

Things I want to do

Well, since it is the beginning of the month, I came up with a few things I want to do /slash/ buy.
Then, also, I sadly have to do my own bit of accounting to preserve my finances.

- First of all, I really, quickly, need to get a new pair of everyday shoes, possibly some cool ones I can use when I go out; the only other pair I've got left (the others broke) are the ones I use to go to work. Since I probably will not buy two pairs, they have to be good looking enough to go out and still be used everyday.
-Buy books. I've got to feed my mind and my bookcase, even though my parents will bring me some more. Possibly read them in the original language.
-Get it going with theatre work. Final year show is coming up and in fact as soon as I finish posting this I will review my lines, review the work..it's 11pm and I don't have much time left until I need to go to bed.
-Organize some bit of travelling...I just haven't done ANYTHING for a while (or at least I feel it's been too long)..just even for a weekend or something.

-Get rid of pointless fears. I'm doing fairly good at the moment, like, turning the leaf. I'm ready to give things another chance, from a different point of view, maybe.

Well, let's shoot off, I hope the week starts well without major troubles at work!

Cloudy with a chance of feelings

La primavera che arriva, i ricordi dei giorni nuvolosi minaccianti pioggia, e che tuttavia ti fanno sentire l'arrivo della bella stagione...I libri di Montalbano, la Sicilia, e i ricordi della recita in inglese delle medie che guarda un po' fu di primavera (tra un po' avrò il saggio di teatro, in castellano, ovviamente) si mescolano con i profumi dei fiori e la vista della Villa 31 dalla finestra del treno. La musica di Capossela scorre nelle vene e i brividi mi fanno raccogliere i cocci di una relazione che ha trovato pace.

Pace, malinconia, nuove persone, i dubbi; una famiglia lontana epperò troppo vicina.

Anyway, I want to feel.

Some people have it tough

Sometimes, on odd days, I stop and realise: how tough some people have it.
Say, this coworker (which accidentally seems to be the most decent person in the office) who works the same shift as I do, goes to the university and studying a demanding degree such as architecture, AND has to take care, together with a sister, of a younger brother who lives with them while the parents live in her home city of Gualeguaychú.
It makes me think about what certain people have to endure and that I don't have any of that...but also that they have their life goals sorted out, at least for a while, while at this moment in time, I am really empty of ideas, passions, will, thrust, etc. I guess my life, for the first time ever, came to a stop and I can't get it started in matter of days, obviously.

On a side note, my parents decided to come around again..which seriously pisses me off, considering their patronising behaviour and that surely they'll come around wanting to discuss things about my future. How on Earth could their stay change something in my current passage of life? Can I not allow myself a little bit more time to reflect before they start pressing again on my future? If they come down to see whether I am ok, I am happy, well, then: don't come, because I'm not, and the fact that they come to stay here 5 days is not going to change anything in that respect.

Hi, dear

Hi, dear
it's me.
I don't really know what to say to you.
Maybe that you're fun and you know it
but after all it's just for a day or two.

Have you ever felt the fear
of not being accepted?
Once we know
we're born alone
live alone
and die alone,
somewhere along our lifetime
that anguish worns out.
Or so I hope.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
the fear for your words,
the fear of having you pissed off,
the fear of being left alone,
if you don't like me anymore

For if we are already alone,
we shall not fear to be alone.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
like I need to go
in that filthy motel room again

Though, sadly:
some memories are there
not to be forgotten.

I wish I really had a reason for living.
I wish happiness was the reason.

I want to find my path
and dock at the quiet harbour.

Shiny creepy people / What is being oneself?

[paraphrasing R.E.M.'s song]

A few things happened in the weekend. Nothing really meaningful (I apologise in advance for updating the blog).

Latest news is that last night the creepy horny lady from Marco's apartment block. Again, just like last Monday, this creepy horny lady (undefined age, but she sounded quite desperate and Marco knows of no young girls was watching the building's CCTV and saw my friend going to open the door to let me out. She started whispering again at the intercom horny stuff, like those you would expect in erotic hotlines (not that I've ever called one)..."come up to my apartment", "give your number", "I'm waiting for you" and such. Exactly at that time came back from a trip to Cataratas del Iguazu Marco's tenant, a US-American girl from Washington, who was quite amused by the fact that such thing could take place! Thankfully, Marco's Brazilian girlfriend wasn't there to hear all this. We got her number without giving her Marco's, I think I'm going to do some sort of prank call because the curiosity is killing me.

Well, the other creepy (well, it's more like 'filthy', I'd say) thing that happened on the weekend went on on Saturday at dawn, as I was heading home from a night out. At about 4am I was a block away from home and I almost barge into an old, dowdy prostitute who happened to be just coming out of someone's house (actually, a hotel familiar, some sort of collective housing scheme organised with individual rooms around a patio and shared facilities such as kitchen and bathrooms). She approached me asking the hour; after I replied she literally asked: "do you want a little blowjob ('petecin') here, on the street?"; upon my denying of her services -on the base of the fact that I "prefer to conquer my girls"- she proceeded to insert her hand into my underwear. After a few seconds of booze-fuelled astonishment, I pulled it out (the hand!) and walked home after going around the block (extra safety - didn't want to let her see where I live; I've heard all sort of nasty stories about guys inviting over girls and getting drugged and robbed out of everything).

Just wow. Talk about a cheap whore! Not that I know her prices, but if that's how she finds clients...

On a completely different note (sorry about the whining, I swear that if I could avoid it I would be a much happier person), I'm still managing to go out and meet people, but I'm feeling emptier and emptier when I get back home, especially since when my therapist suggested I should consider whether I really am happy here. Apparently, not showing any interest in decorating my apartment (home?) IS a signal of something deeper. And well, I have never shown any interest in decorating any place I lived in. It also sucks balls the fact that I'm getting panick attacks again, especially now that I'm letting some thoughts about Sofía creep into my mind after a short period of complete denial (I haven't talked to her in almost two weeks); I can't focus on the reasons, but thinking about where the relationship is now scares me, distresses me and sends me into paranoia; though, I deeply understand that I need to get hold of it now, as in: no denying; facing things; accepting reality; eventually make a decision. But I need to talk to her because I feel I should ask her how she's doing anyway.    

Another Italian friend is also considering what the hell she is doing here, but basically because she feels that not everything that she left back in Italy is done and dusted. In my case, it is quite different, apart from the relationship with my parents, which are still the only people together with Sofia that can manage to get out of me all the anger which I normally don't feel. Especially when they go on about how I should primarily love myself, that I don't need to change to find someone else, blah blah blah, as if I were happy with who I am, as if I had ever been happy about who I am; and because I am not happy with who I am, I can't love myself, I can't care for myself too much, I don't treat myself. If it is true that one of the most important things in life is to learn how to love yourself, well: I'm doomed, then.

Every time I go to the therapist I feel as if part of my mental structures is being broken down. On one hand, I realise that being very rigid with certain things does not help being happy, on the other it feels very strange because I am supposed to deny or give up a 'way of life' (mental structure, kind of approach to life, etc.) which I almost always followed in these years. Although it is just sensible to assume that one person does not change in a day, week, month or year, I wonder whether following certain paths of change makes one lose oneself a bit; since we are what we did, what we thought, how we've always behaved.

Say: one finds out that a way one has always behaved may have hindered him from being happy. Should this prospected happiness be a sufficiently striking reason to change a behaviour, which one may define as typical of one's self?

What can be then rightly defined as a behaviour which is typical of one's personality?

I guess I'll have to leave all these questions open, be receptive (as both my therapist and my mom said, in a very nice and annoying way, respectively.)

Obstinada positividad

Me rompe soberanamente los quinotos la obstinada positividad de quienes quieren demonstrar al mundo que no se tiran para abajo. Cui prodest decirle al mundo entero que escuchás canciones buena onda, que posteás el discurso de Steve Jobs en Stanford, que tenés una foto de perfil con todo un decálogo del porqué la vida es maravillosa y de que no tenemos que perder tiempo no siendo nosotros mismos?

"Hey mundo, mirenme! Estoy de diez! La vida me sonríe!"

Quiero que quede claro: no pongas en tu vidriera tu optimismo y todas esas lindas palabras y los discursos tipo curso de autoayuda, sólo obtendrás que los pesimistas se sientan aún peor, porque nosotros estamos en otro estado mental, nos cega la envidia o nos entristece nuestro carácter de mierda. No podemos vivir sin esa melancolía, que tanto se parece a mi ojera crónica de todas las mañanas.

No les pido, o queridos optimistas, que sean tristes; sólo les pido que no nos vengan a gritar en la cara esos mensajes tan azucarados y empalagosos que al final solamente terminan dando asco. Esos discursos están para que se los crean ustedes mismos.

Pero la alegría es otra cosa. No sé bien qué es, un día lejano puede ser que la encuentre. Pero seguro que es otra cosa; no éso. La alegría no precisa de palabras.

Atte.
Charlie, el melancólico recurrente.

On nights like these

On nights like these I feel like I've given life my best shot. That patience is a virtue and not a given
That I don't know how much I have left to give. I'm tired of being like this, with a vein of sadness and melancholy underlining every day of my life.
Once again I got to the point where I'm sure I'll never be happy because I have never really been. Why just not give up then.

All this talk of getting old, is getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

My stubborness

My stubborness almost made my therapist lose her temper today.
But it was for a good cause.
My head hadn't hurt so much for a long while. But I know why, it's a struggle of breaking through that mind-closedness about certain things, which is a big issue. And trying to get that sorted out is painful.
I've got the luck that I can physically feel this psychological struggle of letting a different idea into my usual mental path. Having a headache is a good sign.

I need to keep it up now!
Keep that headache coming!! Hahahaha

Fucking hell I screwed it

As the title says, all the uncertaintes about work, life, relationship all came together mixed with some anger over a recurrent behaviour of my gf, and boom! There I went and broke up with her! Out of the blue! I did it! Nothing made sense to me last night, so I went there and told in her face I wasn't sure I'm still loving her.
I hate myself for this. I know there's so much more to say about what happened, the whys and hows, but all I can think now is how much I hate myself for being so fragile. Sure there are things the could be improved, but I sometimes I still see everything black.

What hasn't improved - After the storm

What hasn't improved so far is my mood dependence on my sentimental relationship...it takes too large a part in my life. To be fair, it does influence my life a lot, especially in terms of where I currently live and where I want to be in the near future, my career too.
I realised that it is important because I like what I do, I like being an engineer and I like this field, but I want to move on and learn new things, expand to other fields, especially into energy efficiency, renewables and such. Now, there are so many questions that spin from this initial point. I've partly listed them yesterday, however the news is that my boss wants more involvement from me, in the sense of expanding the company's expertise into the field of energy certifications in buildings (namely the LEED programme), for which the company will pay the training costs and such; he also proposed we go together at the ASHRAE Winter Meeting in Chicago...
Thus, we are talking about a bigger commitment, and lesser chances of being able to just walk off of this job; if someone is investing so much in me I realise it's good but I also feel the committment to give back what ultimately is great for my career and CV...all this goes with a long-term plan of being here. What happens if I break up (again) with Sofía? The chances of further my academical studies are also very slender, here. Actually studying again abroad has suddendly looked more appealing. But Sofía is very clear that she doesn't know what she wants to do (!). She says she doesn't want to leave the country but that everything could change in 2 years or so...

Anyway, yesterday I was hitting a tremendous low, I hadn't had such a depression/low esteem/suicidal bout in a long while. After a whole day long of being like this, I eventually picked myself up on my way back from the supermarket (10pm); just like last Saturday, when I stopped overthinking about general stuff, I realised that she also needs to be taken care of. Incidentally, as I arrived home, I found out she was in a good mood, which definitely helped, and although over the phone we had a quite serious communication problem, we're trying to move ahead. She'll be trying to be a bit more open, and I'll be more sensible and sensitive with my commentaries. Again, it's about understanding that what goes for me doesn't necessarily go for the other people. Oh, that hasn't improved either.

But whatever, I'll chat a bit with my parents and see what they have to say about this.

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches?

Well, I manage.

First of all, he's dead.
Secondly, I hate optimist speeches. I don't get inspired by optimist speeches if I have a negative approach. Duh.
Thirdly, I hate people who are geniuses and are optimist.
Fourthly, when someone tells me that I should live my own life and be myself, I look back at all the time wasted and at the fact that presently I still get into depression and believe there's no way to get out of it forever. Like a chronic disease. Like cancer, you'll be sure it will come back at you at some point.

It's about wondering whether this feeling of always needing to leave, change, get back, restlessness, is about not being able to be happy at all or about not having found the right place, the right people, the right state of mind.
Should I just change everything and leave everyone for a new adventure? Will do it any good to me? I moved around and did different things and here I am now, pretty much in the same situation as years ago. Moving is not easy, either; it comes with all sorts of bureaucracy, paperwork, finding a job, basically make a living...would breaking up with my gf and changing job be enough?

How is a relationship supposed to be? Assuming there is a standard is not fair, too. We don't understand each other much. I don't know how to deal with her problems. Part of it is because I tend to be selfish and to consider that everything goes around me and if it doesn't then it is not my concern. How can I go through this without breaking up the relationship? When she points out that I don't care when she cries for stuff which is not related to the relationship, I say it's not true but we both know it's a lie. I hate that, but when someone has a problem, I relate it to me.
I am a selfish bastard.

Steve Jobs advocated for change, but changing so far hasn't solved much in my life, changing place and occupation has been just a way to escape for me, and I can't escape forever.

We shouldn't live someone else's life...but how do I live mine then?

And why shall we pay so much attention to what he says? Because he's been successful? These things don't apply to everyone...they apply to good people only.