University again?

Well, may I say that a stage of my life is close to completion (understand how to make myself feel better). The thing is, the next one is coming.
I feel as though it is quite a daunting task to decide what to do. Everyone (parents, gf, but also some sensible people) keeps saying that I should get involved is something serious (not like learning a language or theatre, which eventually are not going to be my main area of work).
I look at the courses and such, and apart from the utter pain in the neck that all the signing up bureaucracy must involve, I can't say that I have seen something that really gives me a spark. Or at least the will to start all over again.

And one has to consider that Buenos Aires has all sorts of courses and generally a wide academic offer; I also see how much people enjoy the social side of it.

But I have to admit that the first feeling I get when I think about university is fear. Fear of failing, basically. University here is very different from university in the UK and is a lot tougher and more competitive, too. For example I got a scholarship in the UK but it is virtually impossible to get one here, simply because I am not a genius.
Then there is the latent competition with others, comparisons with the others or with one's expectations.
It's like throwing myself back into a, so to say, unprotected environment, which I suspect (and from that comes the anguish) is not going to do me good psychologically, because of the aforementioned issues.

And! I also haven't found something that sort of 'wakes up my senses', which is essential.

I just don't know what to do with myself!

Stuff I got tired of

I'm going to write a list of stuff I grew tired of.

See you in a couple days.

I am sad tonight

I am sad tonight, as I was happy this morning for a moment.

Today I saw happiness. She was a fresh breeze and a warming sun in a lazy working Monday morning.
But she sweeply ran away, frolicking, as mindless and free as only she can be.

Nothing is as fragile as happiness. I wish she were a spider web, delicate and stubborn.

I expected the sting in the tail

The feeling of actually building up something in your life is great, and I had been missing that for the last year or so.
Building up on life, on the relationship, on friends. The feeling of settling, of starting to define one's identity, comes with a sense of stability, or maybe the latter is the cause of the earlier.
I also decided, because of that, to cut down on the counselling sessions: I'll go once a fortnight instead of once a week. Which is some monetary saving, too.
There goes the important bit of the post. The rest, is just some blabbing!




So, the week I dearly dreaded is done and dusted. And I say "done and dusted" because I believe it kind of sealed a stage of my stay here in Buenos Aires.
On the same day, incidentally a Tuesday 13th (bad luck in Latin/catholic countries), my parents went back to Italy, I went to a seminar about Energy Certification (possibly a new path in my career), and I had the theatre year exhibit, which came along with some sort of performance-related stress as well as a decent amount of long-standing effort.
It all turned out nice.
I felt that my parent's trip's real drive was actually to spend some time together and make sure I was alright. I expected the sting in the tail, which normally came at the dinner table, every night before they left, patronising and briefing me about what I should do or should've done in my life.
The exhibit felt great (can't tell if it -actually- was great, ha!) and we, as a group, sensed accomplishment. Celebratory dinner is set for next Tuesday (the only day we could agree on).

And, on a side note, friends are leaving for the Christmas holidays; on one hand is sad because it means I'll be lonelier for a little while; on the other hand, goodbye/end-of-year parties and dinners are flying in!

10 days ago I didn't see me saying this but: happy times!

I don't get along

I don't get along.
This may just be not my place. I like going to theatre classes, but the feeling I get as I get out of them is quite depressing.
On the other hand, I am enjoying so much plenty of stuff, radios, music, books, from the UK and Italy.
I feel I have come to the wrong place for me (which doesn't imply it is bad for others, at all).

And this doesn't have anything to do with the relationship.

Oddity / ID

Well, I'm growing into thinking I'm a bit odd.

As in: my kind of humour, the way I tend to cry when I am really happy, the way I see myself in the world, my own identity, how I really cannot be bothered too much about my own 24th birthday. Add to that, my non-necessity to despise and segregate people who are not "in my group" (do I really have a group, anyway?). I feel really sorry for my co-workers who do it.

All of these things don't really upset me, to be fair. It may be a sign of some sort of settling; I am quite satisfied with the way I reacted to the last few times I was starting to be blue. In fact, it also relates to how tired I am (I'm going out very often at night).

I also am very happy because yesterday I got my Argentine ID card (DNI, Documento Nacional de Identidad), which is extremely useful for, well, just about everything. I then also proceeded, on the same day, to make some more paperwork to get the equivalent of the National Insurance number and the all the paraphernalia I need to register into in order to be able to pay properly taxes and NI contributions (and also get access to better health services than the local NHS, which is not bad but tremendously undersized compared to the population that it should serve). So, yay for that!
I also immediately (first thing I did upon reception of the DNI) got a public transport top-up card (equivalent to London's OysterCard), which is -again- great news because one can board buses, the Subte/tube/subway/metro and most of urban trains as well (coverage is not full yet) without having to worry about having spare coins or about having small change (something which is quite an issue here in Buenos Aires).

Looking forward to enjoying the countryside and a nice swimming pool from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning (bank holiday here in Argentina). Then Monday night, I'll back in BsAs to go to an asado in honour of the birthdays of another Italian friend of mine and mine! Can't wait!!

DNI-Day

So, tomorrow I should get my DNI (Argentine National ID for foreigners). After just about a year and a month (my slowness and bureaucracy's slowness). Way to go! They decided to come around on one of those few days of the week when I'm never at home (came back at 1.30am after watching a film and dining with the Italians and then, later for a coke at a fast-food -I didn't want any- with the Peruvians), basically monday and tuesday. The superintendent of the apartment block (portero) somehow wasn't there to pick it up for me when the private mail service came around...I'm going to pick it up personally, tomorrow morning!

Although I'm happy about this thing in particular, I realised I am not making more Argentine friends! The newest people I've met or gone out with are either Italian or Peruvian. Ok, I've got the bunch of guys from theatre classes, yet we haven't really met outside classes. Got invited to a club party by this classmate (alongside other hundreds)...oh hang on, she's French. Such a hottie, she's modeling too...but she's just as hot in person and she's really friendly too. Well and smart, I must assume, since she just passed the BAC exam (quite a tough one! tougher than the Maturità in Italy; and incomparably tougher than Argentine high school's last year exams). And she's 18 haha. Way out of my league, to be fair. She'll be going back to France in a matter of months to go to uni wohoo! Fun times, uni!

Mixed updates

Wow, I can't really keep on wasting my body like this for much longer. I've binge-drinking for the past week and god knows I feel intoxicated; I've never drunk as much in my entire life, up to the point of not remembering exactly what I drank last night. I do manage to hold it better and I do not make a fool of myself in public (contrary to what other people I know do), but still, the day after (like today) the hangover is quite awful, especially at work. Going out with this kind of people, or at least doing it in this way, is not doing me good. I follow suit.

And another thing I need to give up is nail biting..last week I basically tore apart half of my left index finger's nail. I keep on doing it over and over again just as a habit (it's not even a matter of being nervous) and the longest I've managed without doing that was 2 or 3 weeks.

It sounds bad, but I'm growing the idea that I need to go to the gym (again!). I've started many times, but basically always because someone prompted me to..it wasn't an idea of mine. This time it is, I'm worried, though, that gym will turn out to be boring, as it always did to me. Is it worth investing little money in buying a little mp3 player to bring with me?

Talking about this stuff, and also considering that next month I might be able to buy me something (if I don't drain all the money in Christmas presents)...
Technology is leaving me. My camera's battery has officially died, my earphones are nearly broken (the sound level depends on how twisted the cable is), my laptop freezes from time to time, my mobile is just old (almost had it for 5 years)..and well I do have an IPod, but I would be surprised if it didn't fall apart yet (it dates back from June 2005)...
On the bright side, a new mp3 player with earphones shouldn't cost a fortune, so does a simple mobile and maybe a free tune-up of my laptop will improve its performance..so well, I might as well financially survive the moment when my dear old stuff will be gone.

At theatre classes I had quite a bad moment as I was impersonating a nervy character; I eventually became quite anxious myself, connecting with unpleasant situations of my life, it felt as if the blood had been drained from my limbs, blood pressure went down and I was sweating out of pure anxiety. That is the kind of energy I am looking for on the stage, though.

Shower

I need a shower quickly.
Somehow I feel filthy.
Quite frustrated.
Worthless.
I had to do so many things this afternoon (aside from following Berlusconi's exit) yet I could not do a thing because I had a beer too many at lunch and slept through the whole afternoon.
Add to it the frustration over the fact that the phone company Telecom Argentina is just pure incompetence (they sent my telephone bill to another province, duh!), the fact that no jobs are coming in at work (which means someone will have to be fired soon) and that I'm dating my gf again, but certain feelings don't go away...

Gosh, why do I have to be so complicated, so wound up with such little details...I was watching Dr.House on the telly, and I came to realise I didn't get over the trauma (let's call it that way) of my father being hospitalised...and that was ages ago!!! It still makes me feel anguished although he's fine now.
And every little thing which does not go right with my gf upsets me a lot...
There really are certain days when I do not like myself, and I guess nobody can blame me for that!

At least I feel angry and not depressed, ha.

Things I want to do

Well, since it is the beginning of the month, I came up with a few things I want to do /slash/ buy.
Then, also, I sadly have to do my own bit of accounting to preserve my finances.

- First of all, I really, quickly, need to get a new pair of everyday shoes, possibly some cool ones I can use when I go out; the only other pair I've got left (the others broke) are the ones I use to go to work. Since I probably will not buy two pairs, they have to be good looking enough to go out and still be used everyday.
-Buy books. I've got to feed my mind and my bookcase, even though my parents will bring me some more. Possibly read them in the original language.
-Get it going with theatre work. Final year show is coming up and in fact as soon as I finish posting this I will review my lines, review the work..it's 11pm and I don't have much time left until I need to go to bed.
-Organize some bit of travelling...I just haven't done ANYTHING for a while (or at least I feel it's been too long)..just even for a weekend or something.

-Get rid of pointless fears. I'm doing fairly good at the moment, like, turning the leaf. I'm ready to give things another chance, from a different point of view, maybe.

Well, let's shoot off, I hope the week starts well without major troubles at work!

Cloudy with a chance of feelings

La primavera che arriva, i ricordi dei giorni nuvolosi minaccianti pioggia, e che tuttavia ti fanno sentire l'arrivo della bella stagione...I libri di Montalbano, la Sicilia, e i ricordi della recita in inglese delle medie che guarda un po' fu di primavera (tra un po' avrò il saggio di teatro, in castellano, ovviamente) si mescolano con i profumi dei fiori e la vista della Villa 31 dalla finestra del treno. La musica di Capossela scorre nelle vene e i brividi mi fanno raccogliere i cocci di una relazione che ha trovato pace.

Pace, malinconia, nuove persone, i dubbi; una famiglia lontana epperò troppo vicina.

Anyway, I want to feel.

Some people have it tough

Sometimes, on odd days, I stop and realise: how tough some people have it.
Say, this coworker (which accidentally seems to be the most decent person in the office) who works the same shift as I do, goes to the university and studying a demanding degree such as architecture, AND has to take care, together with a sister, of a younger brother who lives with them while the parents live in her home city of Gualeguaychú.
It makes me think about what certain people have to endure and that I don't have any of that...but also that they have their life goals sorted out, at least for a while, while at this moment in time, I am really empty of ideas, passions, will, thrust, etc. I guess my life, for the first time ever, came to a stop and I can't get it started in matter of days, obviously.

On a side note, my parents decided to come around again..which seriously pisses me off, considering their patronising behaviour and that surely they'll come around wanting to discuss things about my future. How on Earth could their stay change something in my current passage of life? Can I not allow myself a little bit more time to reflect before they start pressing again on my future? If they come down to see whether I am ok, I am happy, well, then: don't come, because I'm not, and the fact that they come to stay here 5 days is not going to change anything in that respect.

Hi, dear

Hi, dear
it's me.
I don't really know what to say to you.
Maybe that you're fun and you know it
but after all it's just for a day or two.

Have you ever felt the fear
of not being accepted?
Once we know
we're born alone
live alone
and die alone,
somewhere along our lifetime
that anguish worns out.
Or so I hope.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
the fear for your words,
the fear of having you pissed off,
the fear of being left alone,
if you don't like me anymore

For if we are already alone,
we shall not fear to be alone.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
like I need to go
in that filthy motel room again

Though, sadly:
some memories are there
not to be forgotten.

I wish I really had a reason for living.
I wish happiness was the reason.

I want to find my path
and dock at the quiet harbour.

Shiny creepy people / What is being oneself?

[paraphrasing R.E.M.'s song]

A few things happened in the weekend. Nothing really meaningful (I apologise in advance for updating the blog).

Latest news is that last night the creepy horny lady from Marco's apartment block. Again, just like last Monday, this creepy horny lady (undefined age, but she sounded quite desperate and Marco knows of no young girls was watching the building's CCTV and saw my friend going to open the door to let me out. She started whispering again at the intercom horny stuff, like those you would expect in erotic hotlines (not that I've ever called one)..."come up to my apartment", "give your number", "I'm waiting for you" and such. Exactly at that time came back from a trip to Cataratas del Iguazu Marco's tenant, a US-American girl from Washington, who was quite amused by the fact that such thing could take place! Thankfully, Marco's Brazilian girlfriend wasn't there to hear all this. We got her number without giving her Marco's, I think I'm going to do some sort of prank call because the curiosity is killing me.

Well, the other creepy (well, it's more like 'filthy', I'd say) thing that happened on the weekend went on on Saturday at dawn, as I was heading home from a night out. At about 4am I was a block away from home and I almost barge into an old, dowdy prostitute who happened to be just coming out of someone's house (actually, a hotel familiar, some sort of collective housing scheme organised with individual rooms around a patio and shared facilities such as kitchen and bathrooms). She approached me asking the hour; after I replied she literally asked: "do you want a little blowjob ('petecin') here, on the street?"; upon my denying of her services -on the base of the fact that I "prefer to conquer my girls"- she proceeded to insert her hand into my underwear. After a few seconds of booze-fuelled astonishment, I pulled it out (the hand!) and walked home after going around the block (extra safety - didn't want to let her see where I live; I've heard all sort of nasty stories about guys inviting over girls and getting drugged and robbed out of everything).

Just wow. Talk about a cheap whore! Not that I know her prices, but if that's how she finds clients...

On a completely different note (sorry about the whining, I swear that if I could avoid it I would be a much happier person), I'm still managing to go out and meet people, but I'm feeling emptier and emptier when I get back home, especially since when my therapist suggested I should consider whether I really am happy here. Apparently, not showing any interest in decorating my apartment (home?) IS a signal of something deeper. And well, I have never shown any interest in decorating any place I lived in. It also sucks balls the fact that I'm getting panick attacks again, especially now that I'm letting some thoughts about Sofía creep into my mind after a short period of complete denial (I haven't talked to her in almost two weeks); I can't focus on the reasons, but thinking about where the relationship is now scares me, distresses me and sends me into paranoia; though, I deeply understand that I need to get hold of it now, as in: no denying; facing things; accepting reality; eventually make a decision. But I need to talk to her because I feel I should ask her how she's doing anyway.    

Another Italian friend is also considering what the hell she is doing here, but basically because she feels that not everything that she left back in Italy is done and dusted. In my case, it is quite different, apart from the relationship with my parents, which are still the only people together with Sofia that can manage to get out of me all the anger which I normally don't feel. Especially when they go on about how I should primarily love myself, that I don't need to change to find someone else, blah blah blah, as if I were happy with who I am, as if I had ever been happy about who I am; and because I am not happy with who I am, I can't love myself, I can't care for myself too much, I don't treat myself. If it is true that one of the most important things in life is to learn how to love yourself, well: I'm doomed, then.

Every time I go to the therapist I feel as if part of my mental structures is being broken down. On one hand, I realise that being very rigid with certain things does not help being happy, on the other it feels very strange because I am supposed to deny or give up a 'way of life' (mental structure, kind of approach to life, etc.) which I almost always followed in these years. Although it is just sensible to assume that one person does not change in a day, week, month or year, I wonder whether following certain paths of change makes one lose oneself a bit; since we are what we did, what we thought, how we've always behaved.

Say: one finds out that a way one has always behaved may have hindered him from being happy. Should this prospected happiness be a sufficiently striking reason to change a behaviour, which one may define as typical of one's self?

What can be then rightly defined as a behaviour which is typical of one's personality?

I guess I'll have to leave all these questions open, be receptive (as both my therapist and my mom said, in a very nice and annoying way, respectively.)

Obstinada positividad

Me rompe soberanamente los quinotos la obstinada positividad de quienes quieren demonstrar al mundo que no se tiran para abajo. Cui prodest decirle al mundo entero que escuchás canciones buena onda, que posteás el discurso de Steve Jobs en Stanford, que tenés una foto de perfil con todo un decálogo del porqué la vida es maravillosa y de que no tenemos que perder tiempo no siendo nosotros mismos?

"Hey mundo, mirenme! Estoy de diez! La vida me sonríe!"

Quiero que quede claro: no pongas en tu vidriera tu optimismo y todas esas lindas palabras y los discursos tipo curso de autoayuda, sólo obtendrás que los pesimistas se sientan aún peor, porque nosotros estamos en otro estado mental, nos cega la envidia o nos entristece nuestro carácter de mierda. No podemos vivir sin esa melancolía, que tanto se parece a mi ojera crónica de todas las mañanas.

No les pido, o queridos optimistas, que sean tristes; sólo les pido que no nos vengan a gritar en la cara esos mensajes tan azucarados y empalagosos que al final solamente terminan dando asco. Esos discursos están para que se los crean ustedes mismos.

Pero la alegría es otra cosa. No sé bien qué es, un día lejano puede ser que la encuentre. Pero seguro que es otra cosa; no éso. La alegría no precisa de palabras.

Atte.
Charlie, el melancólico recurrente.

On nights like these

On nights like these I feel like I've given life my best shot. That patience is a virtue and not a given
That I don't know how much I have left to give. I'm tired of being like this, with a vein of sadness and melancholy underlining every day of my life.
Once again I got to the point where I'm sure I'll never be happy because I have never really been. Why just not give up then.

All this talk of getting old, is getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

My stubborness

My stubborness almost made my therapist lose her temper today.
But it was for a good cause.
My head hadn't hurt so much for a long while. But I know why, it's a struggle of breaking through that mind-closedness about certain things, which is a big issue. And trying to get that sorted out is painful.
I've got the luck that I can physically feel this psychological struggle of letting a different idea into my usual mental path. Having a headache is a good sign.

I need to keep it up now!
Keep that headache coming!! Hahahaha

Fucking hell I screwed it

As the title says, all the uncertaintes about work, life, relationship all came together mixed with some anger over a recurrent behaviour of my gf, and boom! There I went and broke up with her! Out of the blue! I did it! Nothing made sense to me last night, so I went there and told in her face I wasn't sure I'm still loving her.
I hate myself for this. I know there's so much more to say about what happened, the whys and hows, but all I can think now is how much I hate myself for being so fragile. Sure there are things the could be improved, but I sometimes I still see everything black.

What hasn't improved - After the storm

What hasn't improved so far is my mood dependence on my sentimental relationship...it takes too large a part in my life. To be fair, it does influence my life a lot, especially in terms of where I currently live and where I want to be in the near future, my career too.
I realised that it is important because I like what I do, I like being an engineer and I like this field, but I want to move on and learn new things, expand to other fields, especially into energy efficiency, renewables and such. Now, there are so many questions that spin from this initial point. I've partly listed them yesterday, however the news is that my boss wants more involvement from me, in the sense of expanding the company's expertise into the field of energy certifications in buildings (namely the LEED programme), for which the company will pay the training costs and such; he also proposed we go together at the ASHRAE Winter Meeting in Chicago...
Thus, we are talking about a bigger commitment, and lesser chances of being able to just walk off of this job; if someone is investing so much in me I realise it's good but I also feel the committment to give back what ultimately is great for my career and CV...all this goes with a long-term plan of being here. What happens if I break up (again) with Sofía? The chances of further my academical studies are also very slender, here. Actually studying again abroad has suddendly looked more appealing. But Sofía is very clear that she doesn't know what she wants to do (!). She says she doesn't want to leave the country but that everything could change in 2 years or so...

Anyway, yesterday I was hitting a tremendous low, I hadn't had such a depression/low esteem/suicidal bout in a long while. After a whole day long of being like this, I eventually picked myself up on my way back from the supermarket (10pm); just like last Saturday, when I stopped overthinking about general stuff, I realised that she also needs to be taken care of. Incidentally, as I arrived home, I found out she was in a good mood, which definitely helped, and although over the phone we had a quite serious communication problem, we're trying to move ahead. She'll be trying to be a bit more open, and I'll be more sensible and sensitive with my commentaries. Again, it's about understanding that what goes for me doesn't necessarily go for the other people. Oh, that hasn't improved either.

But whatever, I'll chat a bit with my parents and see what they have to say about this.

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches?

Well, I manage.

First of all, he's dead.
Secondly, I hate optimist speeches. I don't get inspired by optimist speeches if I have a negative approach. Duh.
Thirdly, I hate people who are geniuses and are optimist.
Fourthly, when someone tells me that I should live my own life and be myself, I look back at all the time wasted and at the fact that presently I still get into depression and believe there's no way to get out of it forever. Like a chronic disease. Like cancer, you'll be sure it will come back at you at some point.

It's about wondering whether this feeling of always needing to leave, change, get back, restlessness, is about not being able to be happy at all or about not having found the right place, the right people, the right state of mind.
Should I just change everything and leave everyone for a new adventure? Will do it any good to me? I moved around and did different things and here I am now, pretty much in the same situation as years ago. Moving is not easy, either; it comes with all sorts of bureaucracy, paperwork, finding a job, basically make a living...would breaking up with my gf and changing job be enough?

How is a relationship supposed to be? Assuming there is a standard is not fair, too. We don't understand each other much. I don't know how to deal with her problems. Part of it is because I tend to be selfish and to consider that everything goes around me and if it doesn't then it is not my concern. How can I go through this without breaking up the relationship? When she points out that I don't care when she cries for stuff which is not related to the relationship, I say it's not true but we both know it's a lie. I hate that, but when someone has a problem, I relate it to me.
I am a selfish bastard.

Steve Jobs advocated for change, but changing so far hasn't solved much in my life, changing place and occupation has been just a way to escape for me, and I can't escape forever.

We shouldn't live someone else's life...but how do I live mine then?

And why shall we pay so much attention to what he says? Because he's been successful? These things don't apply to everyone...they apply to good people only.

Meltdown/nightmares

Terrible Saturday. I had an epic fight with my gf and well, I realised, I am a sort of selfish bastard. I managed to screw up a couple things and friendship/relationships by just telling straight what I think, and it turns out I think about myself only. Why is it so hard for me to realise what the other people's problems are and to actually care for them? Why is my overthinking leading me into a sea of doubt? I feel it's all about either keeping quiet in the wrong moment or saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
Although I had the mental sanity for in that brief second in which I decided to sleep over at my gf's, who was having it rough because of some stuff of her and because of me, instead of going to cry at mine's over my blind selfishness (in hindsight, that sounds sooooooooooo smart), why am I ACTUALLY not caring about other people? That's plain wrong. I hope I will change, that is my aim. I can't bear thinking about my gf having a major problem and not telling me because she doesn't feel to (although that is not so straightforward).
While I was sleeping over I had the worst nightmare I can remember in a while. Those who are so real, that relate so much to your surroundings, that you believe are true. And they went over and over. I woke up and went to sleep several times, and everytime I was on that bed, and she was kicking me out of her place, or leaving me, or breaking up.
I don't fucking know why I idealised her, in the sense that I thought she couldn't have problems, or that every tense or unpleasant moment we spent together was because of me. I don't know where the self-blame ends and where the selfishness starts.
I also backed down from going to a concert with a friend(?), and said literally "the ticket is a lot of money, and moreover it'd be just the two of us", which apparently is a quite mean thing to say to someone (he replied "I didn't know I was so boring to you"). It's just that because I wouldn't deem it to be mean if someone said that to me, I think that such a thing can't hurt others! That is my lack of "info filtering"...
I feel good about having had a long chat with my mom last afternoon..it went a bit deeper than normally.

On the other hand, Arabic characters sometimes look like pubic hair. Not that latin characters don't, but still, I see a closer resemblance.

Little by little

Achievements...how much do I underrate them!
I went over this with my therapist, as the (perceived?) lack of achievements is bugging me. To actually make a house a home is more difficult than it looks, and after all I haven't moved in long ago; sure I've been put under pressure by Sofía on this, as she is expecting me to keep it at least clean...now every week comes a lady to clean the difficult and tedious bits, such as the oven, window panes, window sills, the bathtub, while I can manage sweeping and mopping the rest. After all, living in clean house is healthier for body and mind! Kind of reminds me of the times in Nottingham, living with Tony the freak (a psychopath who eventually got sectioned in the psychiatric ward for a few months...), keeping the house tidy and clean..but with the bonus that Sofía has not any mental health issue and is fundamentally a person who is deeply in love with life; talk about being extra-beatufiul inside!!!


Last week was an amazing sex marathon...like never before. She was just so hot and well, though last Monday was like a bit weird (I set up the house with romantic stuff she didn't really care about because she just wanted to shag. I now am left with this persistent strawberry smell from a candle, which seems to have permeated the library wood. It was like meh, after the third time in a row I was like "enough" while she craved for more) since she was disappointed I hadn't enjoyed it as much as she did. Last Friday and Saturday it was again like being literally on fire, we couldn't stop. I ran out of condoms haha! On Saturday we went to the country house (chacra) to celebrate her father's birthday, had an amazing asado. Though Sofía always finds something to complain about me and bitched about how the relationship had undergone an "involution" (WTF? Just like that in one day? Just because she made mildly critical observations about certain aspects of the housekeeping and my well-known lack of practicity and because I took off my sweater when she asked me whether I was hot), I was able to brush off her hysteria. Then on Saturday night I went to a club with some friends but it was rather terrible: they went there basically to pull (hit on some chick, in the yankee language) but they lack that sort of attitude you need to do that in a club, if you know what I mean (if you don't, write me, I'll explain you the mysteries of life). So, well, I did what I do when I go to a club, which is dance; after all, if I wanted to pull, I'd definitely go to a bar, instead. I so want to go out with Martin the Swede and his friends on Friday: good vibes!


Apart from having some social life, which is an achievement in itself, I should not overlook the fact that I am rebuilding a relationship with my parents, which is no little matter if you ask me. I still am dubious, or rather don't weigh the importance of this, but on the long run it'll do us all good; still waiting to -really- getting in touch with my brother! And well, obtaining the residence permit, though now I have to do plenty more paperwork, is in itself a very good thing! I guess one has to grow up and start doing paperwork and get into all the bureaucracy at some point in life! And here bureaucracy is no less a pain in the ass than in Italy, if possibly even more!

People that piss me off

Seriously, I hate behind-the-back-talking, or however you call it. Even if it doesn't directly involve me, but involves people I know. I seriously hate that need that some people have to create their own group and validate it by taking the piss off the rest, looking down on the rest. Am I the dumbest being on earth, for not needing to do that, that I rather feel sorry for someone instead of laughing on him? As I walk past their computers, they suddendly hide their MSN windows to avoid me reading, one day I'll just come up to them and say that they don't need to hide it, for christ's sake I am not that stupid that I can't see it!

It seriously pisses me off that I have to work with so many people like this, that I actually tend to just look the other way, plug my headphones and focus on the work. Which in a sense would be alright if it wasn't that it really sours and embitters my day that I have to spend 9 hours per day with this class of people. It's just that I can't stand small, shallow talk that distracts me from work. All those little fellas that share uni, friends, job, blah blah blah...It's like, work hard, party hard. But no, there's so much fucking around! In 6 months or so I'm so fucking getting another job!

I regret having tried to befriending these people...I might be a dead serious, bitter, socially inept cheapskate, but I like to be around people I like, heck!

What the fuck are you always laughing about?

Blah..I should stop doing this...close myself in the office and open myself outside. It's not going to last long (they've already people being laid off because they didn't get along with coworkers...) but for now I will have to endure it.

And please, put some decent music on, FFS! Not some rap crap at 10am...

Expectations

I got off to a miserable start of the day when I woke up earlier to tidy up the closet and change the bedsheets but couldn't finish neither of those, and ended up getting late to work. And, I'm getting laid tonight and it pisses me off that I can't think of anything original to do a bit of showing-up..
For fuck's sake...and I have a deadline at work for tomorrow so I'm really short of time.
To feel miserable when nothing really is wrong is so depressing!

Party

Well, party tonight at mine's! I hope it gets well, I'm slightly concerned because the weather is going to be miserable and I do not have enough glasses for everyone but well, it's not formal so whatever...contrary to many people's opinion, I WILL make lasagne.


I also got confirmation of the temporary residence permit! And a pay rise! Wow!


I went to the therapist in a very good mood and it was a bit strange but it was a constructive session still, figuring out how it takes experience to actually manage a house and after all, I'm living on my own since not long ago. And how important it is to be open, understand not only someone else's opinion but also their reasons behind it, the steps they take in making such decision. Since the moment I am confident my parents know why I'm here, what's going on with me, I'm understanding better their point of view and I am concerned about my professional future.


It's hard for me to be open to criticism, even the constructive one.

Ok then

Well, obviously that thing I wrote on Wednesday was, well, something I wrote during one of my "downs" which eventually happen less frequently but still affect me.
It's not nice, though, or encouraging, that often that happens when I have a -as little as it may be- fight with Sofía. It's like I am still too dependent on that for my morale to be high. Which sucks. On the other hand I try to do stuff and think about my future now that I've got the residence permit.
Well, as I discussed this with my counsellor, there a lot of complex issues -problems- which look unsolvable when taken as a whole. I need to break them down in parts and figure out how to solve them one by one. I figured this out when thinking about the relationship with my parents, but it works out well as a general strategy. I need to focus and be more resolute.
On the other hand, I got quite a verbal battering from Sofía last night as she came for dinner last night. It's just that I go throwing stuff around the house and forgetting about them, so that the main areas are acceptably clean and maintained but the laundry room and closet are utterly messy and filthy. It's just that I can't be bothered to tidy it up...
I haven't planned much for the weekend, I hope something comes up with Mariano, Guido or someone else..I have to set up well the house still..waiting for the washing machine, have to buy some stools, print the photos and buy some more frames...and possibly buy an iron (yeah very masculine I know)...
Well, we'll see and hope to stay on a high for a while!

What is the point?

What is the point of progressing, learning and going forward in your career, when you're not happy about your life as a whole in the first place?

Unsettling

My parents just left to the airport and they're going back to Italy...after they spent a week in here, we had a talk about...well...pretty much everything in my life, but essentially about the fact that we don't have a proper parents-child relationship, and the fact that I "interrupted my learning process". Well, that was unsettling and I tried my best to understand their point, but I am narrow-headed. I need to make a lot of effort.


It is easier to break up relations than it is to build them up.

Quick tip

When performing acts of oral sex to your partner (may it be a male or a female, the statement is valid for both), consider avoiding the reaching of an orgasm. It may as well leave your partner with no will to have sex for the rest of the night while you will still be horny.

Briefly

Just a quick update.
I got back with my girlfriend (almost mistyped grillfriend there...my body needs asado, good thing the next one I will be sharing with my parents!)..we talked over and over about the things which weren't working and I'm confident it will get better; it's a bit strange, it's like going back to normal, I feel so good when I'm with her, but when I'm alone it feels like we're apart again...???
On Monday I met with some "tanos" (Italian) friends of mine. Which was great. Ages spanned from 23 (me, youngest) to 50ish...but yeah we all lived a bit around the world and are somehow involved with an Argentine woman hahah..so yeah that makes us understand each other A LOT more. On the other hand, I completely forgot to talk again to Martin the Swede, or Guido, for that matter...I'm so bad with friends/acquaintances. All about saying we'll do this and that, and then I just forget to keep in contact! I can't follow it up!

Then, my parents are coming around tomorrow..the couch is going to be ready, I only hope I can get the transportation because I was a bit late with that since I have to book a van a two guys to move the couch, basically. Got some special food for my mama, who is intolerant wheat, eggs and milk...hope all goes well and that we eat a lot of meat haha..I'm getting a bit stressed out nonetheless, because I want them to have a good time here..we'll see. Because of this arrival, the make-up with my gf and the imminent receivement of the residence permit, my mood is swinging soooo strong and fast...
We'll see what next!

Give

One may not realise how important to the others it is to give until one receives something. I tell you one thing. Just give.

Even in advance. It's never late.

Give blood, give your time to someone that needs it, give your experience, your skills, your knowledge. For what you give will come back at you, always. It comes back in all sort of forms.

I've been given a lot, most importantly my father's life. But just stop and think a second; isn't there always a reason?

Im Zweifelsfall, gib.

Dale. Doná sangre.
Sustentator. Ecología, energía y alrededores!
Red Solidaria
1 minuto de vos!

etc
etc
etc

Just wow

Thank god for Argentine TV, sometimes!!! She's fucking hot!!

Backturning

Oh I so love it when your coworkers (or theatre classes mates, for that matter) turn their backs so openly on you. It's just fantastic. It shows how much I really don't want to be around those little fuckers and instead decide to be with the people that treat me good.
Good to know EVERYONE went to have lunch as a work group thing, but "forgot" to tell..I might as well "forget" to bring the money for the birthday presents or forget to make the coffee...
I also love it when you talk to two people and they suddendly decide to literally turn their backs and start talking about some party they're going to on saturday. Well done! You're great at dealing with people! You deserve a big prize for your social skills and sensibility.

Films

I felt the urge to watch some films to fill my thirst of knowledge and feelings. Monday I went to the Gaumont Cinema (Av. Rivadavia 1635, basically on plaza del Congreso) to watch "El fin del Potemkin", a documentary on the life story of two of the sailors (working for an Argentine-USSR fishing company) who became stranded, paperless and without a penny following the downfall of the USSR; the company they worked for lost the government support and couldn't pay what they owed to these sailors. Some managed to go back home (back home to countries which didn't formerly exist), but some couldn't. The subject of the documentary is darn interesting, everything is well described, but it underachieves greatly at inducing reflections in the spectator, in my humble opinion. I left the cinema with the bitter aftertaste that this film could've told me much more, that the story could've been digged into a bit more.

Tomorrow, I'm going to watch the famous "Metropolis" by Fritz Lang at the MALBA cinema (10pm). They will be showing a special edition of the film, which contains scenes which were cut from the original version. This film was thought to be lost but was found in Buenos Aires recently.
The film will be shown tomorrow and the next Thursday 25 at the same hour (10pm).
No surprise with this oldie, but it will be nice to watch it on the big screen.

Oh, and I got invited to the theatre (going to see Hamlet) on Saturday..going with my ex...I told her I couldn't make on Friday (hoping to go have a few pints with someone at the Santelmo pubs); she didn't get the hint and proposed going to theatre on Saturday. Oh well she has the buy-1-get-1-free deal, so it's ok!

Lots of culture this week!

Where to turn?

I'm always full of doubts...she said she doesn't want to see me anymore, and I understand and respect that.

Yet, how should I go around this issue? Can I hope to recover or at least control my bouts quickly enough to actually try and recuperate her? Should I try to confine these down moments to myself and my therapist and try to avoid talking about them with other people? I am afraid that if someone gets to know me well, if I want to have a very good friend, or a new girlfriend, then hiding this from them will actually blow them away when they find out?

On the other hand, if I just decide to let go completely on her, I would be mentally more free, which in itself I don't know whether is a good thing.

Let go or hang on?

Apart from that, confining the negative bouts to myself and the people that can help me will definitely improve my (social) life.

Bottom line

The bottom line of this whole situation?
Tell people you feel bad. People leave.


I'm not blaming them though, it's just what life is. People don't want to be around negative people.


Fuck it nonetheless.

Fed up

So now she doesn't want to see me at all. Which is understandable after the last conversation we had, I would be too. I don't think she got to know what went on last thursday but she couldn't say anything anyway.
I got fed up with this shit really. It's made me lose what I had dearest, so well, from now on it will be A problem which I will have to deal with like ANY OTHER problem in the world. Discuss it with the people who are best suited and not bother the rest.
Deal done.

Now, would please the vibrations of the diesel motor of the nearby passing train stop destroying my ears?

Something new

Well, I love being on high, even though kind of alone still..some activity on the internet, that's all.

Listening to good, sought after, music is actually good, going for the lyrics and stuff.

Tonight I went to watch a film by Alain Tanner (http://www.filmaffinity.com/es/film954204.html), which is not such a well known director nowadays (apparently), but was supposedly in the '60s. I quite liked it, it made me reflect about many things and generally left me with a good aftertaste, even though the film was about the "ghost characters" of Pessoa, which himself was not a tremendously positive author, as far as I know.

Earlier today, I went to buy the couch which will also serve as a double bed for my parents. Forgot to say, they're coming 'round in two weeks. Kind of a surprise, three-week notice. They're coming on the 27th.

Friday at lunchtime while I was alone in the office I got quite a battering from the secretary...who basically said I should stop bitching about things that I feel are wrong with me, because people get fed up with it; especially if it is a recurrent thing. I should just talk about it with the therapist and no one else. Because people don't want to listen, they get tired. First, I get it, it's not like I live in my own bubble and do not get any sort of feedback. That's why I split up with my ex, duh! [see previous posts]. Well, the end-product of that is that, after all, I'm also tired of speaking about that; I cut down the conversation by saying 'well this talk ain't gonna help me'. You know, I want to do something to get over this shit..ok when I feel down I feel down and I need to improve blah blah but that happens once in a while! I go on trying to be happy my own way: I need good music, good films, good feelings (not necessarily positive), just feel that sometimes someone can bear with me every once in a while that time I can't make it while I try to solve it. Am I asking for too much? I ain't like this every fucking day of my life..I would be dead by now.

I know I've got plenty of work to do and maybe I'm not using the support I'm getting in the best way..ok I should do better at that, remember what I discussed at the therapist, but it all fades away a bit, everyday; would it make sense for me to take notes? I have been told not to spit everything out word by word since it doesn't help reflection (nice rephrasing by me, here) and basically solves nothing. Fair enough, that might be true when that is the only thing one does, but then, it's not my case, and I want to keep track of my thoughts to actually make sense of the things that happen to me. Feeling better is not all about routines on how to fight the lows, in my humble opinion...a bit of digging is good.

On the other hand, I tend to think that my "Zelig" behaviour (I watched a fair bit of the film today before I got bored of it, 2/3 of the way down) is quite typical of my stay in Argentina...I can't recall doing that in the UK. Yet, I was feeling much worse than now, so maybe I should try to work out what was the problem in the UK, or is my situation now just an improved version of what I was like in the UK? I would dearly prefer that the second statement is true.

By the way...laying down on virtual paper my doubts and thoughts does make me feel less anguished because I can see my fears and somehow face them more directly and clearly (I am very unfocused and mentally disorganised)..in spite of those who say that I shouldn't spit my stuff out to people [this blog is purposedly not publicised, by the way, since I don't know what people could comment about].

I know I want to be myself, but I don't know really who I am at the moment haha..so I want to try stuff and see how I react? Music, films and going out.

On thursday I went out to Santelmo with Elis and it was alright..he was dead tired, so in both bars we went to (my two biased Santelmo favourites: The Gibraltar[http://www.welcomesantelmo.com/san-telmo-guia/35ptxdjzq6/Gibraltar] and La Puerta Roja [http://www.lapuertaroja.com.ar/]) as soon as I tried to barge into other people's conversation he left me...I eventually pulled with this 20yo colombian girl, which -it turns out after I had a quick peek at her Facebook the day after- is actually quite pretty. I was quite smashed -since I had beer, which is my alcoholic nemesis- and I couldn't stop telling her all sorts of piropos I would normally not even think about, I was all touchy and huggy, some kisses was all I got but hell we got out of the bar and pulled a bit, which was nice with a lot of biting OUCH!

I subsequently [notice: this sentence may contain traces of overdramatisation] threw the kitchen sink at her to get her to come home with me (yeah, I said that) but since she lived basically on the other side of the province all I got was a nay. She said she was easy, and then I realised it didn't get too far because: 1) I was drunk 2)not being too serious (I did have "the software" on me though), 3) I bought her just one drink after almost everyone in the room told me I had to, and finally 4) because I didn't invite her to a motel-telo (for which I had no money anyway). In conclusion, I gave the impression I was a drunken cheapskate, but that was still good enough haha. We exchanged contacts but I won't follow it up really, I don't care, she was just a girl in a pub (nice feeling though).

Oh yeah, and by the way, that was the second girl I ever kissed in my life apart from my ex. You know why I left it to the end - shocking!!!

Left the bar at 5-ish, waited for the bus, got on the bus, got asleep, got down the bus two neighbourhoods late (same thing happened to Elis), walked 10 blocks to get another bus, got another bus, had breakfast at McDonald's (OH MY GOD), got home at 10 to 7am, had some self-pleasure time, slept less than an hour, woke up, showered, dressed up casually, went to work dodging by chance some ridiculously heavy showers, had a loooong day at work, drank shit loads of water to reestablish the fluids balance in my body (the blood to alcohol ratio), got home, ate, shat, drank a bit more water, got asleep by 9.30pm and slept 12 hours.

And I'm also quite broke because of the acquiring of the couch. And we're not even mid-way through the month...looks like finally I will have to use my stinginess skills!

The blame

Yeah, apparently I will always be the one to blame. I'm tired of all this. This chatterboxing about my problems and people overlooking. I will have to not mention it to anyone but the therapist. Period.
The people don't want to listen. They do not want to get in your shoes. Everyone wants to be happy on its own.

Fuck off.

The most powerful sort of memories

The most powerful sort of memories are the good memories. Oh snap, I might just have accidentally quoted some Harry Potter crap. Which, on a second thought, is not crap then. Duh.

I got it

Ok I got it why we did what we did, we separated.


We still met, a few times..we went once for a coffee, then for lunch..then we met at the birthday party of two common friends (of her, originally) and went to hers, and had sex for hours; it had felt so weird being next to her and not being able to have her all, I told her after lunch at midday on saturday: and that's how we ended up, largely because she allowed that to happen. I was feeling okay, I was on a high overall, so it was good generally, I was easy and self-confident most of the time; I did have a few moments where I felt that anguish that I can't get rid of. It's a moment when I feel there's something really wrong
I can't say much about why we had sex again, apart from the fact that I needed it, I don't know in what way; it made me feel closer, yet I know how far away I stand and how far I need to be to make good progress with my "issues". I don't think it was right or wrong, we both wanted it and that's it.
I loved it how I could press her on the bed with my chest, grab her gym-worked asscheeks and how I can touch all of her lips. Last time we were in that motel, it was all about visualising her above me and looking at how beautiful her breasts and ass are, how carefully she licked me all over the place and how good it was coming so close together, grabbing each other in a moment of pleasure which leaves me completely drunk. I felt the same thing on sunday, early morning, the last time we did it. On sunday it was dark, and all I wanted was touch and pleasure, the kisses were so warm and her lips down there were soft, I could feel that they hadn't been touched by anyone for two weeks.


In these few encounters, sometimes she didn't feel comfortable, sometimes I didn't feel comfortable; that is very understandable and even expectable, I would say. But it is difficult to accept it, on both sides; sometimes we reproached it to the other when our feelings didn't match.


Everything is strange but I have got very clear why we split up. I guess that no matter how much I find her attractive and how much of a good person I know she is, we can't deal with each other. I have my own problem, which quite luckily I can handle 3 out of 4 times; but that one time I don't, I screw up big time and drive myself crazy about little things, going into a depressive spiral which fortunately I kind of learned to deal with, to the extent that I do not go down as much as I used to. That time I am really down, though, she is not the right person for me; and I am not the right person for her. Last night, for example. [SKIP THIS first time you read it: Since Tuesday night I'm feeling down, since I came back from the theatre class. I'm trying  to be myself, be spontaneous, to say what I think; and I felt empty. That really brought me down and I can't expect to find myself and ideas of mine all of a sudden, when all I did recently was trying to adapt to the rest of the people.] I was half asleep at 10.30pm when she called. I answered, knowing that it was her. She wanted to "talk about a comment I made on facebook", but I eventually didn't matter too much and abruptly told her I had a very depressive (not depressing) day. She went on rationally analysing that there isn't anything really wrong in my life and that I shouldn't depress myself, have so many negative feelings; she went on to say even some good tips, but in a bad way: how it was just a bad day, I should not listen to sad music, you know, react in a positive way blah blah...courtesy of my 'touchy', 'sensitive' attitude, I broke up very frantically and emotionally telling her, crying, how the problem is not in my life but in my head, and that there are things I simply can't control sometimes. Then she said that I should move on and get rid of that, otherwise I should go and proceed to kill myself to avoid 40 years of suffering. I hung up. She called back. I told her to fuck off. She called again and I told her to fuck off again. She said to calm down because it wasn't a big deal. She was right, I then went on to say that I only look for understanding. She does not understand me or her friend Deb, for that matter, who is a bit like me, just about 10 times worse. I told her how by saying that she wasn't helping me at all. I still feel she doesn't understand what's going on in my head. And I accept that, it's only that apart from understanding I would also like someone that by saying certain things can make me look at thing the right way. And just like my mother, she is not able to do it. Them two can't deal with my lows and seem to only make them worse. I somehow feel that they can't grasp what I feel, they are in some other superior place, or just some other place, in which people 99% of the times interpret things in the way they should be interpreted and are not as sensitive and crooked as I am, hopefully not forever...We went on talking about other stuff and it all ended up with a goodbye. On saturday it was nice and we hoped to follow it up but then we (or at least, I) realised why we are where we are.


I don't want to be near her now, I am deceived she told me basically to go commit suicide (told the same to Deb, huh)...thank god for the sex on saturday and sunday, I don't want that to happen again now and at least I feel good about it. I dreamt I kissed Roni because she was nice to me and reminds me of Micaela, the one in theatre classes whose perky breasts and nipples can sometimes be seen through some nice tight white t-shirt.

Games people play

You know what? I'm not fucking hiding!
Ok, so today I probably did yield to paranoia and sent a message on the msn, but she didn't get it, I later discovered.

Connection

Messenger connection, Skype connection.
She appears everywhere, and that is no stalking. I would like to say something but I don't know what to say really.

I have an almost constant boner now.

On the other hand...

On the other hand, there is the subte to go the theatre classes (www.elcamarindelasmusas.com/)..it's fast, luckily.
On the other hand, I see people everyday smiling, I wonder how much effort it takes them, if any. I think about how much effort it takes me sometimes.
And it's not because I broke up with Soph..


Attitude is everything, they keep on saying. This concept appears to come out of every sensible speech nowadays. How much it is important to acknowledge the things you have instead of focusing on the ones you don't have. But then it is assumed that we all react in the same way to similar situations.
I consider that having a stable mind is a gift which is never valued high enough. It's not like you can buy attitude off the shelf. Some people are born with it, some develop it as they grow up. I have none of this. Is patience the only thing I am left with?
How can someone possibly build up an attitude. How long does it take? A whole lifetime? If so, why do certain people seem to be born with it? Perseverance might be the key. I hope I can talk this through with my counsellor, I owe her 600 mangos, shit!


Enough with this crap, I've got plenty of work to do. Yesterday night I went to theatre classes and it was fine; I don't think I'm really learning much but I'm hooking up with the kids a bit; it takes time to loosen a bit myself and open up to creativity and feelings on the stage. Then we met at Maxi's after class for dinner and drinks, a sort of pre-lash for those who were going clubbing to Kika..we left the apartment at 2.30-ish and I got home at 3.30am after almost falling asleep on the pavement while waiting for the bus. Had I known about this, I might have gone but I was dressed like shit (as always).
As expected, the kids have known each other already for a while but huh that's normal, after all. I feel socially clumsy though; don't really feel at ease, even though they have similar ages to me, are quite open and everything. There is also a cute French girl who's barely 18, but she's been here for 5 years already..she looks very uninhibited.

It should be easy or it shouldn't be at all

That's what I read yesterday.
My relationship...you know, it starts to hit every now and then. I was supposed to call Ludo this morning but I ended up skipping the alarm clock because it was late, I was tired and I thought I had no credit in my calling card; then I remembered I had some, but it was too late, he had left.
Should a relationship be easy? How would another relationship be? You know, someone has given you so much and you still wonder whether it's the best you can get.
Thank god I've got a house now, though. Half-empty, but still is my place. I don't have money to buy a couch or some bookshelves, but it does give me emotional shelter. I definitely felt it yesterday as I came home as the rain poured out; it was a stupidly huge storm, there was little my little umbrella could do, I arrived home and knowing that I had some radiators and a warm place brought me back to my very essence. That freaking rain screwed up my pencilcase and even a condom I (still) have in my bag.
Funnily enough, I didn't stop carrying one around; I think still do it because I hope I can screw some girl and try something new.
That's the feeling, I wonder what's outside there, what is it like to be with another woman...just shagging for the moment and who knows in the future. Although, I don't think I will do anything actively to do that.
Ugh, I'm scared of trying new things then.


I've got a stupid amount of work to do in the next 3 hours if I want to be able to go the theatre classes this afternoon. The bloody 140 bus is damn slow and there is no subte to get to the classroom.
I fucking hate it when I start to panick. Now there's the relationship thing and I'm getting stressed about work, because there's some guys who need stuff finished this afternoon, as they fly to no less than Mongolia for a job we're doing there on Thursday. Fuck!


There also should be a goddamn phone bill I received like two weeks ago and forgot to pay..but now I can't find it. Fuck fuck fuck!


I want to go to the pubs in Santelmo and pull..duh, I just realised I'd go for the one that would give me some attention though. Don't want to do the same again, do I?
And plus, I have to remember to have a rubber on me...

Losing the path?

I wonder why all the times I separated from her, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind -after thinking about committing suicide or wandering homeless through this country- is thinking about genuinely shagging another girl, just for the sake of proving something.
She’s always the one who breaks up and wants to come back and I am the one that -once we’re apart- wants to fuck off, i.e. escape and basically forget about the pains of the relationship.

Maybe that means forgetting, maybe suppressing the fears again, I don’t know (that’s a good point). See, maybe that’s just another way of eluding these problems that came along our way instead of facing them but...I read today some guy’s note on facebook (he’s a therapist or something along that line) saying that basically that in a relationship such character-related problems should not exist; well, he meant: if a relationship is true, there should be no crease in the shirt, no twig on the path, it should just flow and so on. Is he right or not? Maybe he is idealising how wonderful a relationship should be, but on the other hand his point is that things should flow naturally, is about having fundamentally a good time, feeling relaxed and at ease...honestly, I have to say I haven’t felt this sort of things recently.

It might be because of our different characters, our tempers; it does make me wonder whether this difference is something which is there to stay or something related to our very essences.
I may be speaking too soon, and in all fairness I do feel a bit annoyed and deceived at a couple of things, mainly her lack of understanding and my blinding envy. There’s no excuse for these two things, it’s not about being in a very stressful period, it just sounds like something irreconcilable that needs to be accepted or rejected (and then reject the relationship on the grounds of not being able to cope with those things).

I’d like to be happier, not to miss the train of an enjoyable life...I feel she’s showed me the path but also that she’s demanding me more than I can give to myself and to her. Too much self-respect, self-love and self-esteem. It’s not easy to stack all that up while she’s mocking me; on the other hand it’s not easy for her to have so much patience with someone like me, who’s just started to sort out his life. And well, apart from having to have patience, it must be quite a pain in the ass to deal with a boy that hasn't grown up yet has the mental energy and strength of someone in his late 50's.

I’m basically afraid that once I lose her, I lose my chance to be free and happy. Not because I won’t be able to love anyone else, but because she showed me a way to be more honest, live happier, straighter; and now that I won’t be able to follow her example, that I won’t have her encouragement and even the mocking, I am afraid I will lose the path to all that I’m trying to reach for: peace, having deep relations with the human beings, to appreciate and to be appreciated, to do something important in my life, and the cheerfulness that leads to truly enjoying life while acknowledging –and not cursing– its finiteness.

Début: Dragging myself along this crowded moorland

Let me start this off with a brief description of who’s behind this keyboard.

Charly, 23 years old from Italy, spent 4 years in the UK and now without a clue of where to go. Currently in Buenos Aires. I know I’ve got some problems in my little head, and worse, I’ve pretty much always known, ever since I could make any sort of projection of what my life would be in the future. Let’s say that was the age of 15. Little I’ve done to sort it out, but all that little never actually seemed to change nothing at all. Call it lack of perseverance.

The point nowadays is: how am I doing? Pretty bad. Am I enjoying life? Well, not. Enough said. Once I was asked that straight question and gave a straight answer, I couldn’t really make it up to the point of lying to me.

That simple question made me realize that I’ve blown up a (say, my only) relationship, which happened to be a partially long-distance plus long-term one. Maybe it should have never been there, it sure made me realize a lot of things. I was told yesterday: you are a negative person, you don’t really enjoy life, I need someone in my life who is brighter, happier, more positive, outgoing, relaxed and so on (you can imagine the rest). The worst part of it? She was and is right; oh and that she loves me nevertheless. That’s quite sad, actually. It makes me wonder if I lost time, if she lost time, if any time was lost at all…

It seems like we’re doing bad to each other. I bring her down, I admit I’m not the most enjoyable person on earth and I've got some negativity going around, especially when it comes to dealing with relationship matters, because I’m a little wrong in my head.

I actually need her quite badly; I need her in the wrong kind of way. I only started to feel better when she sent me a message afteer this sort of break-up; I am addicted to that point. I and she realised that I fell in love with her because she was the only one giving me attention at that time; the only one I felt I could open myself up to. I eventually didn’t open myself enough during the bad times in the UK: I did partially, she got me to seek for help, but she was so far away from actually understanding how I suffer inside. I will try to explain someday. Let’s just say she’s too bright a girl to understand how negative people must deal with themselves; I understand everyone’s got problems and I’m not denying she’s had hers, but I think mine became from circumstantial to real psychological; or maybe I was born this way, who knows...

I am afraid. I am afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of death. My therapist said it may come from the three times my dad was sick in hospital and about to die. I add, and I tell this myself because I didn’t actually tell anybody these very words, that I somehow fear hunger; I remember, as my father was sick and couldn’t work i.e. earn money, when my mom brought me around the supermarket saying “we can’t buy this, can’t buy that, we ain’t got enough money, son”. I can’t stand throwing leftovers because there is always a chance that I may need to eat them; thinking about the poor kids of Africa, of the favelas, of the poor people of Bolivia, Chaco, Misiones or Formosa, of the poor bunches in the Buenos Aires Conurbano or just of the junkies with the munchies of villa Saavedra or villa 31 here nearby is just a good lie. I fear I could starve, I stuff myself until I feel no hunger, until I feel full, satiated, I love eating a pack of choc chips or donuts as fast as I can just to feel the sugar rush. I love to sleep, to feel relaxed, take my time to do nothing. I am not positive, I am not proactive, I am clumsy, inefficient, impractical but I just love to take my time, for christ’s sake. That is explained with my indecisiveness, I’m hesitant and unsure of what to do. I mean, I sometimes take decisions, but they sure take their time.

I’m afraid to talk to people; afraid to give away something while talking: that I’m a foreigner, that I don’t belong, I’m afraid people will use and abuse me, take advantage of me. It all sounds to me like an angry lonely wolf who trusts no one and is always mentally prepared to defend himself by fundamentally escaping (which is what I normally do).

The fears I tried to suffocate on the surface apparently may have screwed up my subconscious in -needless to say- tricky ways and they are sneaking up, emerging from my shallow emotional sea at every corner, at every step which involves being fundamentally honest with myself and the others, such as the basics of life, the relationships with family, friends, partner and with your special and unique place, “home”.

As a starting point, I can quite emphatically say that I spent 24 years of my life failing at these basics.


I used to blame the place where I lived, but I believe now it is rather a lot to do with me; my friend Lucius Annaeus Seneca tried to tell me that some years (when I read his Epistulae) and centuries (I c. AD) ago, but it took me a fucking lovely bird -which I’ll have to give up now- to realize it.

Problem is, o Wilson, I start to feel old. I start to feel old as I feel that no matter how much of an encouragement a lovely girl can be, I won’t change. All the things in these almost 24 years I couldn’t do and couldn’t learn to make me feel good are gone, time flies and life steps go by so quickly. I completely mis-lived my teenage years, and I tremendously underachieved at being fundamentally happy in my early 20’s university years. I’ve lost the very most of the good moments that everyone else lived then, and they’re gone forever.
I may have even made my girlfriend lose time with me, all that sexual frenzy, that hormones fete of orgies and threesomes and weird experiences that you have when you’re really young and naïve.

I’ve probably never been young. I tend to feel envious rather than learn from someone; many times as things go wrong my first thoughts are negative; I escape problems instead of solving them. I just don’t have a good feeling about life altogether, I can’t see me happy in the future.

It’s not like I’m crying while I’m writing this, I’m just writing this, staring at the screen in utter disbelief.