Will I ever be picked by life again?
As I lay down in bed, I'm alone and feel like my body just finds itself in a random point of this world.
I feel calm, but I do not know whether I can say I am at peace with myself. I every now and then get anxiety bouts, and all of a sudden everything looks black, and dull at the same time, and it comes and goes as a storm. But no, not now; it's not depression or anxiety, back-to-the-wall feelings. It's probably the rest of a man after a daily work in the fields; looking at the greatness and immensity of things around, knowing how little we are in this sea of doubts, yet knowing that the little patch of ground we ploughed, though not even fertile, does exist.
Nevertheless, I draw a line to this day and sense a need, I long for more.
Feeling happier, maybe; or feeling more at ease with the place I live in; never cease to explore.
I don't know whether I should do more to feel connected with the place in which I happen, and have at some point chosen, to live in. I know there's a lot of "exploration" to be done around here and I'm not doing this place justice in dismissing it just by having known the Buenos Aires area. Just even think about the diversity one can find in this very country, let alone Chile, Paraguay, Bolivia and such!
It's a matter of mixed feelings, though. I know coming to Argentina was a love-bound move, but I realise I've grown up personally and psychologically a lot while being here and that there's a lot more to be discovered; however, I also sense I'm, at this point in time and space, underachieving (with respect to my own standards) at some other aspects of life. I learnt how career is not everything in life, yet I can't forget how studying certain subjects at uni actually gave me a purpose, maybe I couldn't say it made me happy, but it certainly was worthwhile and sparked my curiosity. I think I can finally see both sides.
Doing work you like is important, but I also finally recognise that I need to give myself that little bit extra attention to make myself feel good, even if it involves activities such as saturday-afternoon-napping and sunday indoor cooking, socially considered "boring" for a 24-, soon-to-be 25,-year old boy, or man, guy, whatever the definition is of someone who may be financially independent from his parents, but still feels as defenceless as a 10-year-old in front of this turmoil of decisions, feelings, duties and aspirations. Best description of me at the moment.
I guess I am alone after all. It kind of comes natural, I do not have that "I belong to..." feeling, which ties me to a place, to a set of people. I have been living abroad just for the past 6 years, yet I can't help thinking in a foreign language all the time, mostly English, and recoiling to the native dialect and language just when grunting about the daily commute.
How many people have I known and "unknown"? What sort of ties do I have with my family? Will I ever feel at home again, like that time before I felt the need to evade from that very place I felt like mine?
As I browse through the the information about Australian visas, I wonder whether I will be ever picked again. Submit an Expression of Interest (EOI). "Intending migrants can be found and nominated for skilled visas by Australian employers or state and territory governments". Being chosen.
Am I a person that can like himself, what I do, and yet still be liked at the same time? Is that really what can make one happy? Am I doing my best to be chosen at least from a professional point of view?
It is a special feeling to have a real partner, not just a girlfriend, someone who chooses you everyday. I had that feeling. Not having it any more makes me feel a bit like drifting in the sea. Now that I am adrift, I might as well land somewhere else. Hoping to find firm land. Someday or maybe never. At this point in life, I probably should accept the fact that there is a chance of not being able to find firm land before I die, although that is truly disheartening.
If I ever find my land, it will not be the land I chose. I will be chosen by the land.