Briefly

Just a quick update.
I got back with my girlfriend (almost mistyped grillfriend there...my body needs asado, good thing the next one I will be sharing with my parents!)..we talked over and over about the things which weren't working and I'm confident it will get better; it's a bit strange, it's like going back to normal, I feel so good when I'm with her, but when I'm alone it feels like we're apart again...???
On Monday I met with some "tanos" (Italian) friends of mine. Which was great. Ages spanned from 23 (me, youngest) to 50ish...but yeah we all lived a bit around the world and are somehow involved with an Argentine woman hahah..so yeah that makes us understand each other A LOT more. On the other hand, I completely forgot to talk again to Martin the Swede, or Guido, for that matter...I'm so bad with friends/acquaintances. All about saying we'll do this and that, and then I just forget to keep in contact! I can't follow it up!

Then, my parents are coming around tomorrow..the couch is going to be ready, I only hope I can get the transportation because I was a bit late with that since I have to book a van a two guys to move the couch, basically. Got some special food for my mama, who is intolerant wheat, eggs and milk...hope all goes well and that we eat a lot of meat haha..I'm getting a bit stressed out nonetheless, because I want them to have a good time here..we'll see. Because of this arrival, the make-up with my gf and the imminent receivement of the residence permit, my mood is swinging soooo strong and fast...
We'll see what next!

Give

One may not realise how important to the others it is to give until one receives something. I tell you one thing. Just give.

Even in advance. It's never late.

Give blood, give your time to someone that needs it, give your experience, your skills, your knowledge. For what you give will come back at you, always. It comes back in all sort of forms.

I've been given a lot, most importantly my father's life. But just stop and think a second; isn't there always a reason?

Im Zweifelsfall, gib.

Dale. Doná sangre.
Sustentator. Ecología, energía y alrededores!
Red Solidaria
1 minuto de vos!

etc
etc
etc

Just wow

Thank god for Argentine TV, sometimes!!! She's fucking hot!!

Backturning

Oh I so love it when your coworkers (or theatre classes mates, for that matter) turn their backs so openly on you. It's just fantastic. It shows how much I really don't want to be around those little fuckers and instead decide to be with the people that treat me good.
Good to know EVERYONE went to have lunch as a work group thing, but "forgot" to tell..I might as well "forget" to bring the money for the birthday presents or forget to make the coffee...
I also love it when you talk to two people and they suddendly decide to literally turn their backs and start talking about some party they're going to on saturday. Well done! You're great at dealing with people! You deserve a big prize for your social skills and sensibility.

Films

I felt the urge to watch some films to fill my thirst of knowledge and feelings. Monday I went to the Gaumont Cinema (Av. Rivadavia 1635, basically on plaza del Congreso) to watch "El fin del Potemkin", a documentary on the life story of two of the sailors (working for an Argentine-USSR fishing company) who became stranded, paperless and without a penny following the downfall of the USSR; the company they worked for lost the government support and couldn't pay what they owed to these sailors. Some managed to go back home (back home to countries which didn't formerly exist), but some couldn't. The subject of the documentary is darn interesting, everything is well described, but it underachieves greatly at inducing reflections in the spectator, in my humble opinion. I left the cinema with the bitter aftertaste that this film could've told me much more, that the story could've been digged into a bit more.

Tomorrow, I'm going to watch the famous "Metropolis" by Fritz Lang at the MALBA cinema (10pm). They will be showing a special edition of the film, which contains scenes which were cut from the original version. This film was thought to be lost but was found in Buenos Aires recently.
The film will be shown tomorrow and the next Thursday 25 at the same hour (10pm).
No surprise with this oldie, but it will be nice to watch it on the big screen.

Oh, and I got invited to the theatre (going to see Hamlet) on Saturday..going with my ex...I told her I couldn't make on Friday (hoping to go have a few pints with someone at the Santelmo pubs); she didn't get the hint and proposed going to theatre on Saturday. Oh well she has the buy-1-get-1-free deal, so it's ok!

Lots of culture this week!

Where to turn?

I'm always full of doubts...she said she doesn't want to see me anymore, and I understand and respect that.

Yet, how should I go around this issue? Can I hope to recover or at least control my bouts quickly enough to actually try and recuperate her? Should I try to confine these down moments to myself and my therapist and try to avoid talking about them with other people? I am afraid that if someone gets to know me well, if I want to have a very good friend, or a new girlfriend, then hiding this from them will actually blow them away when they find out?

On the other hand, if I just decide to let go completely on her, I would be mentally more free, which in itself I don't know whether is a good thing.

Let go or hang on?

Apart from that, confining the negative bouts to myself and the people that can help me will definitely improve my (social) life.

Bottom line

The bottom line of this whole situation?
Tell people you feel bad. People leave.


I'm not blaming them though, it's just what life is. People don't want to be around negative people.


Fuck it nonetheless.

Fed up

So now she doesn't want to see me at all. Which is understandable after the last conversation we had, I would be too. I don't think she got to know what went on last thursday but she couldn't say anything anyway.
I got fed up with this shit really. It's made me lose what I had dearest, so well, from now on it will be A problem which I will have to deal with like ANY OTHER problem in the world. Discuss it with the people who are best suited and not bother the rest.
Deal done.

Now, would please the vibrations of the diesel motor of the nearby passing train stop destroying my ears?

Something new

Well, I love being on high, even though kind of alone still..some activity on the internet, that's all.

Listening to good, sought after, music is actually good, going for the lyrics and stuff.

Tonight I went to watch a film by Alain Tanner (http://www.filmaffinity.com/es/film954204.html), which is not such a well known director nowadays (apparently), but was supposedly in the '60s. I quite liked it, it made me reflect about many things and generally left me with a good aftertaste, even though the film was about the "ghost characters" of Pessoa, which himself was not a tremendously positive author, as far as I know.

Earlier today, I went to buy the couch which will also serve as a double bed for my parents. Forgot to say, they're coming 'round in two weeks. Kind of a surprise, three-week notice. They're coming on the 27th.

Friday at lunchtime while I was alone in the office I got quite a battering from the secretary...who basically said I should stop bitching about things that I feel are wrong with me, because people get fed up with it; especially if it is a recurrent thing. I should just talk about it with the therapist and no one else. Because people don't want to listen, they get tired. First, I get it, it's not like I live in my own bubble and do not get any sort of feedback. That's why I split up with my ex, duh! [see previous posts]. Well, the end-product of that is that, after all, I'm also tired of speaking about that; I cut down the conversation by saying 'well this talk ain't gonna help me'. You know, I want to do something to get over this shit..ok when I feel down I feel down and I need to improve blah blah but that happens once in a while! I go on trying to be happy my own way: I need good music, good films, good feelings (not necessarily positive), just feel that sometimes someone can bear with me every once in a while that time I can't make it while I try to solve it. Am I asking for too much? I ain't like this every fucking day of my life..I would be dead by now.

I know I've got plenty of work to do and maybe I'm not using the support I'm getting in the best way..ok I should do better at that, remember what I discussed at the therapist, but it all fades away a bit, everyday; would it make sense for me to take notes? I have been told not to spit everything out word by word since it doesn't help reflection (nice rephrasing by me, here) and basically solves nothing. Fair enough, that might be true when that is the only thing one does, but then, it's not my case, and I want to keep track of my thoughts to actually make sense of the things that happen to me. Feeling better is not all about routines on how to fight the lows, in my humble opinion...a bit of digging is good.

On the other hand, I tend to think that my "Zelig" behaviour (I watched a fair bit of the film today before I got bored of it, 2/3 of the way down) is quite typical of my stay in Argentina...I can't recall doing that in the UK. Yet, I was feeling much worse than now, so maybe I should try to work out what was the problem in the UK, or is my situation now just an improved version of what I was like in the UK? I would dearly prefer that the second statement is true.

By the way...laying down on virtual paper my doubts and thoughts does make me feel less anguished because I can see my fears and somehow face them more directly and clearly (I am very unfocused and mentally disorganised)..in spite of those who say that I shouldn't spit my stuff out to people [this blog is purposedly not publicised, by the way, since I don't know what people could comment about].

I know I want to be myself, but I don't know really who I am at the moment haha..so I want to try stuff and see how I react? Music, films and going out.

On thursday I went out to Santelmo with Elis and it was alright..he was dead tired, so in both bars we went to (my two biased Santelmo favourites: The Gibraltar[http://www.welcomesantelmo.com/san-telmo-guia/35ptxdjzq6/Gibraltar] and La Puerta Roja [http://www.lapuertaroja.com.ar/]) as soon as I tried to barge into other people's conversation he left me...I eventually pulled with this 20yo colombian girl, which -it turns out after I had a quick peek at her Facebook the day after- is actually quite pretty. I was quite smashed -since I had beer, which is my alcoholic nemesis- and I couldn't stop telling her all sorts of piropos I would normally not even think about, I was all touchy and huggy, some kisses was all I got but hell we got out of the bar and pulled a bit, which was nice with a lot of biting OUCH!

I subsequently [notice: this sentence may contain traces of overdramatisation] threw the kitchen sink at her to get her to come home with me (yeah, I said that) but since she lived basically on the other side of the province all I got was a nay. She said she was easy, and then I realised it didn't get too far because: 1) I was drunk 2)not being too serious (I did have "the software" on me though), 3) I bought her just one drink after almost everyone in the room told me I had to, and finally 4) because I didn't invite her to a motel-telo (for which I had no money anyway). In conclusion, I gave the impression I was a drunken cheapskate, but that was still good enough haha. We exchanged contacts but I won't follow it up really, I don't care, she was just a girl in a pub (nice feeling though).

Oh yeah, and by the way, that was the second girl I ever kissed in my life apart from my ex. You know why I left it to the end - shocking!!!

Left the bar at 5-ish, waited for the bus, got on the bus, got asleep, got down the bus two neighbourhoods late (same thing happened to Elis), walked 10 blocks to get another bus, got another bus, had breakfast at McDonald's (OH MY GOD), got home at 10 to 7am, had some self-pleasure time, slept less than an hour, woke up, showered, dressed up casually, went to work dodging by chance some ridiculously heavy showers, had a loooong day at work, drank shit loads of water to reestablish the fluids balance in my body (the blood to alcohol ratio), got home, ate, shat, drank a bit more water, got asleep by 9.30pm and slept 12 hours.

And I'm also quite broke because of the acquiring of the couch. And we're not even mid-way through the month...looks like finally I will have to use my stinginess skills!

The blame

Yeah, apparently I will always be the one to blame. I'm tired of all this. This chatterboxing about my problems and people overlooking. I will have to not mention it to anyone but the therapist. Period.
The people don't want to listen. They do not want to get in your shoes. Everyone wants to be happy on its own.

Fuck off.

The most powerful sort of memories

The most powerful sort of memories are the good memories. Oh snap, I might just have accidentally quoted some Harry Potter crap. Which, on a second thought, is not crap then. Duh.

I got it

Ok I got it why we did what we did, we separated.


We still met, a few times..we went once for a coffee, then for lunch..then we met at the birthday party of two common friends (of her, originally) and went to hers, and had sex for hours; it had felt so weird being next to her and not being able to have her all, I told her after lunch at midday on saturday: and that's how we ended up, largely because she allowed that to happen. I was feeling okay, I was on a high overall, so it was good generally, I was easy and self-confident most of the time; I did have a few moments where I felt that anguish that I can't get rid of. It's a moment when I feel there's something really wrong
I can't say much about why we had sex again, apart from the fact that I needed it, I don't know in what way; it made me feel closer, yet I know how far away I stand and how far I need to be to make good progress with my "issues". I don't think it was right or wrong, we both wanted it and that's it.
I loved it how I could press her on the bed with my chest, grab her gym-worked asscheeks and how I can touch all of her lips. Last time we were in that motel, it was all about visualising her above me and looking at how beautiful her breasts and ass are, how carefully she licked me all over the place and how good it was coming so close together, grabbing each other in a moment of pleasure which leaves me completely drunk. I felt the same thing on sunday, early morning, the last time we did it. On sunday it was dark, and all I wanted was touch and pleasure, the kisses were so warm and her lips down there were soft, I could feel that they hadn't been touched by anyone for two weeks.


In these few encounters, sometimes she didn't feel comfortable, sometimes I didn't feel comfortable; that is very understandable and even expectable, I would say. But it is difficult to accept it, on both sides; sometimes we reproached it to the other when our feelings didn't match.


Everything is strange but I have got very clear why we split up. I guess that no matter how much I find her attractive and how much of a good person I know she is, we can't deal with each other. I have my own problem, which quite luckily I can handle 3 out of 4 times; but that one time I don't, I screw up big time and drive myself crazy about little things, going into a depressive spiral which fortunately I kind of learned to deal with, to the extent that I do not go down as much as I used to. That time I am really down, though, she is not the right person for me; and I am not the right person for her. Last night, for example. [SKIP THIS first time you read it: Since Tuesday night I'm feeling down, since I came back from the theatre class. I'm trying  to be myself, be spontaneous, to say what I think; and I felt empty. That really brought me down and I can't expect to find myself and ideas of mine all of a sudden, when all I did recently was trying to adapt to the rest of the people.] I was half asleep at 10.30pm when she called. I answered, knowing that it was her. She wanted to "talk about a comment I made on facebook", but I eventually didn't matter too much and abruptly told her I had a very depressive (not depressing) day. She went on rationally analysing that there isn't anything really wrong in my life and that I shouldn't depress myself, have so many negative feelings; she went on to say even some good tips, but in a bad way: how it was just a bad day, I should not listen to sad music, you know, react in a positive way blah blah...courtesy of my 'touchy', 'sensitive' attitude, I broke up very frantically and emotionally telling her, crying, how the problem is not in my life but in my head, and that there are things I simply can't control sometimes. Then she said that I should move on and get rid of that, otherwise I should go and proceed to kill myself to avoid 40 years of suffering. I hung up. She called back. I told her to fuck off. She called again and I told her to fuck off again. She said to calm down because it wasn't a big deal. She was right, I then went on to say that I only look for understanding. She does not understand me or her friend Deb, for that matter, who is a bit like me, just about 10 times worse. I told her how by saying that she wasn't helping me at all. I still feel she doesn't understand what's going on in my head. And I accept that, it's only that apart from understanding I would also like someone that by saying certain things can make me look at thing the right way. And just like my mother, she is not able to do it. Them two can't deal with my lows and seem to only make them worse. I somehow feel that they can't grasp what I feel, they are in some other superior place, or just some other place, in which people 99% of the times interpret things in the way they should be interpreted and are not as sensitive and crooked as I am, hopefully not forever...We went on talking about other stuff and it all ended up with a goodbye. On saturday it was nice and we hoped to follow it up but then we (or at least, I) realised why we are where we are.


I don't want to be near her now, I am deceived she told me basically to go commit suicide (told the same to Deb, huh)...thank god for the sex on saturday and sunday, I don't want that to happen again now and at least I feel good about it. I dreamt I kissed Roni because she was nice to me and reminds me of Micaela, the one in theatre classes whose perky breasts and nipples can sometimes be seen through some nice tight white t-shirt.