29 July 2011

Games people play

You know what? I'm not fucking hiding!
Ok, so today I probably did yield to paranoia and sent a message on the msn, but she didn't get it, I later discovered.

28 July 2011


Messenger connection, Skype connection.
She appears everywhere, and that is no stalking. I would like to say something but I don't know what to say really.

I have an almost constant boner now.

27 July 2011

On the other hand...

On the other hand, there is the subte to go the theatre classes (www.elcamarindelasmusas.com/)..it's fast, luckily.
On the other hand, I see people everyday smiling, I wonder how much effort it takes them, if any. I think about how much effort it takes me sometimes.
And it's not because I broke up with Soph..

Attitude is everything, they keep on saying. This concept appears to come out of every sensible speech nowadays. How much it is important to acknowledge the things you have instead of focusing on the ones you don't have. But then it is assumed that we all react in the same way to similar situations.
I consider that having a stable mind is a gift which is never valued high enough. It's not like you can buy attitude off the shelf. Some people are born with it, some develop it as they grow up. I have none of this. Is patience the only thing I am left with?
How can someone possibly build up an attitude. How long does it take? A whole lifetime? If so, why do certain people seem to be born with it? Perseverance might be the key. I hope I can talk this through with my counsellor, I owe her 600 mangos, shit!

Enough with this crap, I've got plenty of work to do. Yesterday night I went to theatre classes and it was fine; I don't think I'm really learning much but I'm hooking up with the kids a bit; it takes time to loosen a bit myself and open up to creativity and feelings on the stage. Then we met at Maxi's after class for dinner and drinks, a sort of pre-lash for those who were going clubbing to Kika..we left the apartment at 2.30-ish and I got home at 3.30am after almost falling asleep on the pavement while waiting for the bus. Had I known about this, I might have gone but I was dressed like shit (as always).
As expected, the kids have known each other already for a while but huh that's normal, after all. I feel socially clumsy though; don't really feel at ease, even though they have similar ages to me, are quite open and everything. There is also a cute French girl who's barely 18, but she's been here for 5 years already..she looks very uninhibited.

26 July 2011

It should be easy or it shouldn't be at all

That's what I read yesterday.
My relationship...you know, it starts to hit every now and then. I was supposed to call Ludo this morning but I ended up skipping the alarm clock because it was late, I was tired and I thought I had no credit in my calling card; then I remembered I had some, but it was too late, he had left.
Should a relationship be easy? How would another relationship be? You know, someone has given you so much and you still wonder whether it's the best you can get.
Thank god I've got a house now, though. Half-empty, but still is my place. I don't have money to buy a couch or some bookshelves, but it does give me emotional shelter. I definitely felt it yesterday as I came home as the rain poured out; it was a stupidly huge storm, there was little my little umbrella could do, I arrived home and knowing that I had some radiators and a warm place brought me back to my very essence. That freaking rain screwed up my pencilcase and even a condom I (still) have in my bag.
Funnily enough, I didn't stop carrying one around; I think still do it because I hope I can screw some girl and try something new.
That's the feeling, I wonder what's outside there, what is it like to be with another woman...just shagging for the moment and who knows in the future. Although, I don't think I will do anything actively to do that.
Ugh, I'm scared of trying new things then.

I've got a stupid amount of work to do in the next 3 hours if I want to be able to go the theatre classes this afternoon. The bloody 140 bus is damn slow and there is no subte to get to the classroom.
I fucking hate it when I start to panick. Now there's the relationship thing and I'm getting stressed about work, because there's some guys who need stuff finished this afternoon, as they fly to no less than Mongolia for a job we're doing there on Thursday. Fuck!

There also should be a goddamn phone bill I received like two weeks ago and forgot to pay..but now I can't find it. Fuck fuck fuck!

I want to go to the pubs in Santelmo and pull..duh, I just realised I'd go for the one that would give me some attention though. Don't want to do the same again, do I?
And plus, I have to remember to have a rubber on me...

Losing the path?

I wonder why all the times I separated from her, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind -after thinking about committing suicide or wandering homeless through this country- is thinking about genuinely shagging another girl, just for the sake of proving something.
She’s always the one who breaks up and wants to come back and I am the one that -once we’re apart- wants to fuck off, i.e. escape and basically forget about the pains of the relationship.

Maybe that means forgetting, maybe suppressing the fears again, I don’t know (that’s a good point). See, maybe that’s just another way of eluding these problems that came along our way instead of facing them but...I read today some guy’s note on facebook (he’s a therapist or something along that line) saying that basically that in a relationship such character-related problems should not exist; well, he meant: if a relationship is true, there should be no crease in the shirt, no twig on the path, it should just flow and so on. Is he right or not? Maybe he is idealising how wonderful a relationship should be, but on the other hand his point is that things should flow naturally, is about having fundamentally a good time, feeling relaxed and at ease...honestly, I have to say I haven’t felt this sort of things recently.
It might be because of our different characters, our tempers; it does make me wonder whether this difference is something which is there to stay or something related to our very essences.
I may be speaking too soon, and in all fairness I do feel a bit annoyed and deceived at a couple of things, mainly her lack of understanding and my blinding envy. There’s no excuse for these two things, it’s not about being in a very stressful period, it just sounds like something irreconcilable that needs to be accepted or rejected (and then reject the relationship on the grounds of not being able to cope with those things).

I’d like to be happier, not to miss the train of an enjoyable life...I feel she’s showed me the path but also that she’s demanding me more than I can give to myself and to her. Too much self-respect, self-love and self-esteem. It’s not easy to stack all that up while she’s mocking me; on the other hand it’s not easy for her to have so much patience with someone like me, who’s just started to sort out his life. And well, apart from having to have patience, it must be quite a pain in the ass to deal with a boy that hasn't grown up yet has the mental energy and strength of someone in his late 50's.

I’m basically afraid that once I lose her, I lose my chance to be free and happy. Not because I won’t be able to love anyone else, but because she showed me a way to be more honest, live happier, straighter; and now that I won’t be able to follow her example, that I won’t have her encouragement and even the mocking, I am afraid I will lose the path to all that I’m trying to reach for: peace, having deep relations with the human beings, to appreciate and to be appreciated, to do something important in my life, and the cheerfulness that leads to truly enjoying life while acknowledging –and not cursing– its finiteness.

25 July 2011

Début: Dragging myself along this crowded moorland

Let me start this off with a brief description of who’s behind this keyboard.

Charly, 23 years old from Italy, spent 4 years in the UK and now without a clue of where to go. Currently in Buenos Aires. I know I’ve got some problems in my little head, and worse, I’ve pretty much always known, ever since I could make any sort of projection of what my life would be in the future. Let’s say that was the age of 15. Little I’ve done to sort it out, but all that little never actually seemed to change nothing at all. Call it lack of perseverance.

The point nowadays is: how am I doing? Pretty bad. Am I enjoying life? Well, not. Enough said. Once I was asked that straight question and gave a straight answer, I couldn’t really make it up to the point of lying to me.
That simple question made me realize that I’ve blown up a (say, my only) relationship, which happened to be a partially long-distance plus long-term one. Maybe it should have never been there, it sure made me realize a lot of things. I was told yesterday: you are a negative person, you don’t really enjoy life, I need someone in my life who is brighter, happier, more positive, outgoing, relaxed and so on (you can imagine the rest). The worst part of it? She was and is right; oh and that she loves me nevertheless. That’s quite sad, actually. It makes me wonder if I lost time, if she lost time, if any time was lost at all…
It seems like we’re doing bad to each other. I bring her down, I admit I’m not the most enjoyable person on earth and I've got some negativity going around, especially when it comes to dealing with relationship matters, because I’m a little wrong in my head.

I actually need her quite badly; I need her in the wrong kind of way. I only started to feel better when she sent me a message afteer this sort of break-up; I am addicted to that point. I and she realised that I fell in love with her because she was the only one giving me attention at that time; the only one I felt I could open myself up to. I eventually didn’t open myself enough during the bad times in the UK: I did partially, she got me to seek for help, but she was so far away from actually understanding how I suffer inside. I will try to explain someday. Let’s just say she’s too bright a girl to understand how negative people must deal with themselves; I understand everyone’s got problems and I’m not denying she’s had hers, but I think mine became from circumstantial to real psychological; or maybe I was born this way, who knows...

I am afraid. I am afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of death. My therapist said it may come from the three times my dad was sick in hospital and about to die. I add, and I tell this myself because I didn’t actually tell anybody these very words, that I somehow fear hunger; I remember, as my father was sick and couldn’t work i.e. earn money, when my mom brought me around the supermarket saying “we can’t buy this, can’t buy that, we ain’t got enough money, son”. I can’t stand throwing leftovers because there is always a chance that I may need to eat them; thinking about the poor kids of Africa, of the favelas, of the poor people of Bolivia, Chaco, Misiones or Formosa, of the poor bunches in the Buenos Aires Conurbano or just of the junkies with the munchies of villa Saavedra or villa 31 here nearby is just a good lie. I fear I could starve, I stuff myself until I feel no hunger, until I feel full, satiated, I love eating a pack of choc chips or donuts as fast as I can just to feel the sugar rush. I love to sleep, to feel relaxed, take my time to do nothing. I am not positive, I am not proactive, I am clumsy, inefficient, impractical but I just love to take my time, for christ’s sake. That is explained with my indecisiveness, I’m hesitant and unsure of what to do. I mean, I sometimes take decisions, but they sure take their time.
I’m afraid to talk to people; afraid to give away something while talking: that I’m a foreigner, that I don’t belong, I’m afraid people will use and abuse me, take advantage of me. It all sounds to me like an angry lonely wolf who trusts no one and is always mentally prepared to defend himself by fundamentally escaping (which is what I normally do).
The fears I tried to suffocate on the surface apparently may have screwed up my subconscious in -needless to say- tricky ways and they are sneaking up, emerging from my shallow emotional sea at every corner, at every step which involves being fundamentally honest with myself and the others, such as the basics of life, the relationships with family, friends, partner and with your special and unique place, “home”.

As a starting point, I can quite emphatically say that I spent 24 years of my life failing at these basics.

I used to blame the place where I lived, but I believe now it is rather a lot to do with me; my friend Lucius Annaeus Seneca tried to tell me that some years (when I read his Epistulae) and centuries (I c. AD) ago, but it took me a fucking lovely bird -which I’ll have to give up now- to realize it.
Problem is, o Wilson, I start to feel old. I start to feel old as I feel that no matter how much of an encouragement a lovely girl can be, I won’t change. All the things in these almost 24 years I couldn’t do and couldn’t learn to make me feel good are gone, time flies and life steps go by so quickly. I completely mis-lived my teenage years, and I tremendously underachieved at being fundamentally happy in my early 20’s university years. I’ve lost the very most of the good moments that everyone else lived then, and they’re gone forever.
I may have even made my girlfriend lose time with me, all that sexual frenzy, that hormones fete of orgies and threesomes and weird experiences that you have when you’re really young and naïve.

I’ve probably never been young. I tend to feel envious rather than learn from someone; many times as things go wrong my first thoughts are negative; I escape problems instead of solving them. I just don’t have a good feeling about life altogether, I can’t see me happy in the future.
It’s not like I’m crying while I’m writing this, I’m just writing this, staring at the screen in utter disbelief.