Oddity / ID

Well, I'm growing into thinking I'm a bit odd.

As in: my kind of humour, the way I tend to cry when I am really happy, the way I see myself in the world, my own identity, how I really cannot be bothered too much about my own 24th birthday. Add to that, my non-necessity to despise and segregate people who are not "in my group" (do I really have a group, anyway?). I feel really sorry for my co-workers who do it.

All of these things don't really upset me, to be fair. It may be a sign of some sort of settling; I am quite satisfied with the way I reacted to the last few times I was starting to be blue. In fact, it also relates to how tired I am (I'm going out very often at night).

I also am very happy because yesterday I got my Argentine ID card (DNI, Documento Nacional de Identidad), which is extremely useful for, well, just about everything. I then also proceeded, on the same day, to make some more paperwork to get the equivalent of the National Insurance number and the all the paraphernalia I need to register into in order to be able to pay properly taxes and NI contributions (and also get access to better health services than the local NHS, which is not bad but tremendously undersized compared to the population that it should serve). So, yay for that!
I also immediately (first thing I did upon reception of the DNI) got a public transport top-up card (equivalent to London's OysterCard), which is -again- great news because one can board buses, the Subte/tube/subway/metro and most of urban trains as well (coverage is not full yet) without having to worry about having spare coins or about having small change (something which is quite an issue here in Buenos Aires).

Looking forward to enjoying the countryside and a nice swimming pool from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning (bank holiday here in Argentina). Then Monday night, I'll back in BsAs to go to an asado in honour of the birthdays of another Italian friend of mine and mine! Can't wait!!

DNI-Day

So, tomorrow I should get my DNI (Argentine National ID for foreigners). After just about a year and a month (my slowness and bureaucracy's slowness). Way to go! They decided to come around on one of those few days of the week when I'm never at home (came back at 1.30am after watching a film and dining with the Italians and then, later for a coke at a fast-food -I didn't want any- with the Peruvians), basically monday and tuesday. The superintendent of the apartment block (portero) somehow wasn't there to pick it up for me when the private mail service came around...I'm going to pick it up personally, tomorrow morning!

Although I'm happy about this thing in particular, I realised I am not making more Argentine friends! The newest people I've met or gone out with are either Italian or Peruvian. Ok, I've got the bunch of guys from theatre classes, yet we haven't really met outside classes. Got invited to a club party by this classmate (alongside other hundreds)...oh hang on, she's French. Such a hottie, she's modeling too...but she's just as hot in person and she's really friendly too. Well and smart, I must assume, since she just passed the BAC exam (quite a tough one! tougher than the Maturità in Italy; and incomparably tougher than Argentine high school's last year exams). And she's 18 haha. Way out of my league, to be fair. She'll be going back to France in a matter of months to go to uni wohoo! Fun times, uni!

Mixed updates

Wow, I can't really keep on wasting my body like this for much longer. I've binge-drinking for the past week and god knows I feel intoxicated; I've never drunk as much in my entire life, up to the point of not remembering exactly what I drank last night. I do manage to hold it better and I do not make a fool of myself in public (contrary to what other people I know do), but still, the day after (like today) the hangover is quite awful, especially at work. Going out with this kind of people, or at least doing it in this way, is not doing me good. I follow suit.

And another thing I need to give up is nail biting..last week I basically tore apart half of my left index finger's nail. I keep on doing it over and over again just as a habit (it's not even a matter of being nervous) and the longest I've managed without doing that was 2 or 3 weeks.

It sounds bad, but I'm growing the idea that I need to go to the gym (again!). I've started many times, but basically always because someone prompted me to..it wasn't an idea of mine. This time it is, I'm worried, though, that gym will turn out to be boring, as it always did to me. Is it worth investing little money in buying a little mp3 player to bring with me?

Talking about this stuff, and also considering that next month I might be able to buy me something (if I don't drain all the money in Christmas presents)...
Technology is leaving me. My camera's battery has officially died, my earphones are nearly broken (the sound level depends on how twisted the cable is), my laptop freezes from time to time, my mobile is just old (almost had it for 5 years)..and well I do have an IPod, but I would be surprised if it didn't fall apart yet (it dates back from June 2005)...
On the bright side, a new mp3 player with earphones shouldn't cost a fortune, so does a simple mobile and maybe a free tune-up of my laptop will improve its performance..so well, I might as well financially survive the moment when my dear old stuff will be gone.

At theatre classes I had quite a bad moment as I was impersonating a nervy character; I eventually became quite anxious myself, connecting with unpleasant situations of my life, it felt as if the blood had been drained from my limbs, blood pressure went down and I was sweating out of pure anxiety. That is the kind of energy I am looking for on the stage, though.

Shower

I need a shower quickly.
Somehow I feel filthy.
Quite frustrated.
Worthless.
I had to do so many things this afternoon (aside from following Berlusconi's exit) yet I could not do a thing because I had a beer too many at lunch and slept through the whole afternoon.
Add to it the frustration over the fact that the phone company Telecom Argentina is just pure incompetence (they sent my telephone bill to another province, duh!), the fact that no jobs are coming in at work (which means someone will have to be fired soon) and that I'm dating my gf again, but certain feelings don't go away...

Gosh, why do I have to be so complicated, so wound up with such little details...I was watching Dr.House on the telly, and I came to realise I didn't get over the trauma (let's call it that way) of my father being hospitalised...and that was ages ago!!! It still makes me feel anguished although he's fine now.
And every little thing which does not go right with my gf upsets me a lot...
There really are certain days when I do not like myself, and I guess nobody can blame me for that!

At least I feel angry and not depressed, ha.

Things I want to do

Well, since it is the beginning of the month, I came up with a few things I want to do /slash/ buy.
Then, also, I sadly have to do my own bit of accounting to preserve my finances.

- First of all, I really, quickly, need to get a new pair of everyday shoes, possibly some cool ones I can use when I go out; the only other pair I've got left (the others broke) are the ones I use to go to work. Since I probably will not buy two pairs, they have to be good looking enough to go out and still be used everyday.
-Buy books. I've got to feed my mind and my bookcase, even though my parents will bring me some more. Possibly read them in the original language.
-Get it going with theatre work. Final year show is coming up and in fact as soon as I finish posting this I will review my lines, review the work..it's 11pm and I don't have much time left until I need to go to bed.
-Organize some bit of travelling...I just haven't done ANYTHING for a while (or at least I feel it's been too long)..just even for a weekend or something.

-Get rid of pointless fears. I'm doing fairly good at the moment, like, turning the leaf. I'm ready to give things another chance, from a different point of view, maybe.

Well, let's shoot off, I hope the week starts well without major troubles at work!

Cloudy with a chance of feelings

La primavera che arriva, i ricordi dei giorni nuvolosi minaccianti pioggia, e che tuttavia ti fanno sentire l'arrivo della bella stagione...I libri di Montalbano, la Sicilia, e i ricordi della recita in inglese delle medie che guarda un po' fu di primavera (tra un po' avrò il saggio di teatro, in castellano, ovviamente) si mescolano con i profumi dei fiori e la vista della Villa 31 dalla finestra del treno. La musica di Capossela scorre nelle vene e i brividi mi fanno raccogliere i cocci di una relazione che ha trovato pace.

Pace, malinconia, nuove persone, i dubbi; una famiglia lontana epperò troppo vicina.

Anyway, I want to feel.

Some people have it tough

Sometimes, on odd days, I stop and realise: how tough some people have it.
Say, this coworker (which accidentally seems to be the most decent person in the office) who works the same shift as I do, goes to the university and studying a demanding degree such as architecture, AND has to take care, together with a sister, of a younger brother who lives with them while the parents live in her home city of Gualeguaychú.
It makes me think about what certain people have to endure and that I don't have any of that...but also that they have their life goals sorted out, at least for a while, while at this moment in time, I am really empty of ideas, passions, will, thrust, etc. I guess my life, for the first time ever, came to a stop and I can't get it started in matter of days, obviously.

On a side note, my parents decided to come around again..which seriously pisses me off, considering their patronising behaviour and that surely they'll come around wanting to discuss things about my future. How on Earth could their stay change something in my current passage of life? Can I not allow myself a little bit more time to reflect before they start pressing again on my future? If they come down to see whether I am ok, I am happy, well, then: don't come, because I'm not, and the fact that they come to stay here 5 days is not going to change anything in that respect.

Hi, dear

Hi, dear
it's me.
I don't really know what to say to you.
Maybe that you're fun and you know it
but after all it's just for a day or two.

Have you ever felt the fear
of not being accepted?
Once we know
we're born alone
live alone
and die alone,
somewhere along our lifetime
that anguish worns out.
Or so I hope.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
the fear for your words,
the fear of having you pissed off,
the fear of being left alone,
if you don't like me anymore

For if we are already alone,
we shall not fear to be alone.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
like I need to go
in that filthy motel room again

Though, sadly:
some memories are there
not to be forgotten.

I wish I really had a reason for living.
I wish happiness was the reason.

I want to find my path
and dock at the quiet harbour.