28 February 2012

Lightnings like daylight

The last two weeks have really felt like wanting to jump off a bridge, more than a couple times. There's no real reason apart the frustration with my current job and some sort of sexual frustration under the sheets.
I tried to be cool about stuff and concentrate on finding a new job and basically on the other year goal too, i.e. getting fitter. I'm also trying to keep myself busy, seeing people, doing things. I also went to the seaside last weekend.
But for some reason it comes to no avail. I keep on thinking and mumbling, wondering what am I really doing here and why am I not happy, despite being in probably one of the best moments of the relationship with my girlfriend. Worst of all, really, is that I'm starting to have nightmares about the job situation. That sucks largely, since I predominantly rely on my capacity to sleep well and reset my mind while I sleep.

I really wish I could leave without leaving her. I'll have to put this issue forward, at some point.

On the other hand, days getting shorter are better suiting my mood (or so I feel, like I need some darkness to process my feelings; or maybe it just reminds me of the UK, as do some new Dutch friends I've newly made), and some huge thunderstorms are soothing my thirst for amusement and providing me with sheer and delightful bewildering of the power of nature. 

3 February 2012

Two goals

With a delay of approximately one month, and with a great deal of indecisiveness, I finally set my two goals for the year.
Getting a better, more satisfying job.
Getting fit. (not in the UK slang sense, that would be impossible).

I finally ditched the idea of going back to university because of its cost, mainly. I am quite short of money at the moment, with holidays coming up which I haven't paid for yet; I'm setting apart money for that, but I am not left much after I deduct my "overheads". And in a week there falls the 5-year anniversary date, which implies I have to "do" something which implies spending a sensible amount of money.

I am also trying to improve on self-confidence with my counsellor, so I can say I have got two long-term objectives. Finding a better job is also a matter of perseverance in searching and skill in sending the right CV to the right place for the right position.

Well, the great challenge now is to stick with them goals!