28 December 2011

University again?

Well, may I say that a stage of my life is close to completion (understand how to make myself feel better). The thing is, the next one is coming.
I feel as though it is quite a daunting task to decide what to do. Everyone (parents, gf, but also some sensible people) keeps saying that I should get involved is something serious (not like learning a language or theatre, which eventually are not going to be my main area of work).
I look at the courses and such, and apart from the utter pain in the neck that all the signing up bureaucracy must involve, I can't say that I have seen something that really gives me a spark. Or at least the will to start all over again.

And one has to consider that Buenos Aires has all sorts of courses and generally a wide academic offer; I also see how much people enjoy the social side of it.

But I have to admit that the first feeling I get when I think about university is fear. Fear of failing, basically. University here is very different from university in the UK and is a lot tougher and more competitive, too. For example I got a scholarship in the UK but it is virtually impossible to get one here, simply because I am not a genius.
Then there is the latent competition with others, comparisons with the others or with one's expectations.
It's like throwing myself back into a, so to say, unprotected environment, which I suspect (and from that comes the anguish) is not going to do me good psychologically, because of the aforementioned issues.

And! I also haven't found something that sort of 'wakes up my senses', which is essential.

I just don't know what to do with myself!

Stuff I got tired of

I'm going to write a list of stuff I grew tired of.

See you in a couple days.

26 December 2011

I am sad tonight

I am sad tonight, as I was happy this morning for a moment.

Today I saw happiness. She was a fresh breeze and a warming sun in a lazy working Monday morning.
But she sweeply ran away, frolicking, as mindless and free as only she can be.

Nothing is as fragile as happiness. I wish she were a spider web, delicate and stubborn.

16 December 2011

I expected the sting in the tail

The feeling of actually building up something in your life is great, and I had been missing that for the last year or so.
Building up on life, on the relationship, on friends. The feeling of settling, of starting to define one's identity, comes with a sense of stability, or maybe the latter is the cause of the earlier.
I also decided, because of that, to cut down on the counselling sessions: I'll go once a fortnight instead of once a week. Which is some monetary saving, too.
There goes the important bit of the post. The rest, is just some blabbing!

So, the week I dearly dreaded is done and dusted. And I say "done and dusted" because I believe it kind of sealed a stage of my stay here in Buenos Aires.
On the same day, incidentally a Tuesday 13th (bad luck in Latin/catholic countries), my parents went back to Italy, I went to a seminar about Energy Certification (possibly a new path in my career), and I had the theatre year exhibit, which came along with some sort of performance-related stress as well as a decent amount of long-standing effort.
It all turned out nice.
I felt that my parent's trip's real drive was actually to spend some time together and make sure I was alright. I expected the sting in the tail, which normally came at the dinner table, every night before they left, patronising and briefing me about what I should do or should've done in my life.
The exhibit felt great (can't tell if it -actually- was great, ha!) and we, as a group, sensed accomplishment. Celebratory dinner is set for next Tuesday (the only day we could agree on).

And, on a side note, friends are leaving for the Christmas holidays; on one hand is sad because it means I'll be lonelier for a little while; on the other hand, goodbye/end-of-year parties and dinners are flying in!

10 days ago I didn't see me saying this but: happy times!

7 December 2011

I don't get along

I don't get along.
This may just be not my place. I like going to theatre classes, but the feeling I get as I get out of them is quite depressing.
On the other hand, I am enjoying so much plenty of stuff, radios, music, books, from the UK and Italy.
I feel I have come to the wrong place for me (which doesn't imply it is bad for others, at all).

And this doesn't have anything to do with the relationship.