Shower

I need a shower quickly.
Somehow I feel filthy.
Quite frustrated.
Worthless.
I had to do so many things this afternoon (aside from following Berlusconi's exit) yet I could not do a thing because I had a beer too many at lunch and slept through the whole afternoon.
Add to it the frustration over the fact that the phone company Telecom Argentina is just pure incompetence (they sent my telephone bill to another province, duh!), the fact that no jobs are coming in at work (which means someone will have to be fired soon) and that I'm dating my gf again, but certain feelings don't go away...

Gosh, why do I have to be so complicated, so wound up with such little details...I was watching Dr.House on the telly, and I came to realise I didn't get over the trauma (let's call it that way) of my father being hospitalised...and that was ages ago!!! It still makes me feel anguished although he's fine now.
And every little thing which does not go right with my gf upsets me a lot...
There really are certain days when I do not like myself, and I guess nobody can blame me for that!

At least I feel angry and not depressed, ha.

Things I want to do

Well, since it is the beginning of the month, I came up with a few things I want to do /slash/ buy.
Then, also, I sadly have to do my own bit of accounting to preserve my finances.

- First of all, I really, quickly, need to get a new pair of everyday shoes, possibly some cool ones I can use when I go out; the only other pair I've got left (the others broke) are the ones I use to go to work. Since I probably will not buy two pairs, they have to be good looking enough to go out and still be used everyday.
-Buy books. I've got to feed my mind and my bookcase, even though my parents will bring me some more. Possibly read them in the original language.
-Get it going with theatre work. Final year show is coming up and in fact as soon as I finish posting this I will review my lines, review the work..it's 11pm and I don't have much time left until I need to go to bed.
-Organize some bit of travelling...I just haven't done ANYTHING for a while (or at least I feel it's been too long)..just even for a weekend or something.

-Get rid of pointless fears. I'm doing fairly good at the moment, like, turning the leaf. I'm ready to give things another chance, from a different point of view, maybe.

Well, let's shoot off, I hope the week starts well without major troubles at work!

Cloudy with a chance of feelings

La primavera che arriva, i ricordi dei giorni nuvolosi minaccianti pioggia, e che tuttavia ti fanno sentire l'arrivo della bella stagione...I libri di Montalbano, la Sicilia, e i ricordi della recita in inglese delle medie che guarda un po' fu di primavera (tra un po' avrò il saggio di teatro, in castellano, ovviamente) si mescolano con i profumi dei fiori e la vista della Villa 31 dalla finestra del treno. La musica di Capossela scorre nelle vene e i brividi mi fanno raccogliere i cocci di una relazione che ha trovato pace.

Pace, malinconia, nuove persone, i dubbi; una famiglia lontana epperò troppo vicina.

Anyway, I want to feel.

Some people have it tough

Sometimes, on odd days, I stop and realise: how tough some people have it.
Say, this coworker (which accidentally seems to be the most decent person in the office) who works the same shift as I do, goes to the university and studying a demanding degree such as architecture, AND has to take care, together with a sister, of a younger brother who lives with them while the parents live in her home city of Gualeguaychú.
It makes me think about what certain people have to endure and that I don't have any of that...but also that they have their life goals sorted out, at least for a while, while at this moment in time, I am really empty of ideas, passions, will, thrust, etc. I guess my life, for the first time ever, came to a stop and I can't get it started in matter of days, obviously.

On a side note, my parents decided to come around again..which seriously pisses me off, considering their patronising behaviour and that surely they'll come around wanting to discuss things about my future. How on Earth could their stay change something in my current passage of life? Can I not allow myself a little bit more time to reflect before they start pressing again on my future? If they come down to see whether I am ok, I am happy, well, then: don't come, because I'm not, and the fact that they come to stay here 5 days is not going to change anything in that respect.

Hi, dear

Hi, dear
it's me.
I don't really know what to say to you.
Maybe that you're fun and you know it
but after all it's just for a day or two.

Have you ever felt the fear
of not being accepted?
Once we know
we're born alone
live alone
and die alone,
somewhere along our lifetime
that anguish worns out.
Or so I hope.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
the fear for your words,
the fear of having you pissed off,
the fear of being left alone,
if you don't like me anymore

For if we are already alone,
we shall not fear to be alone.

Hi dear
Just please
don't make me feel again
like I need to go
in that filthy motel room again

Though, sadly:
some memories are there
not to be forgotten.

I wish I really had a reason for living.
I wish happiness was the reason.

I want to find my path
and dock at the quiet harbour.

Shiny creepy people / What is being oneself?

[paraphrasing R.E.M.'s song]

A few things happened in the weekend. Nothing really meaningful (I apologise in advance for updating the blog).

Latest news is that last night the creepy horny lady from Marco's apartment block. Again, just like last Monday, this creepy horny lady (undefined age, but she sounded quite desperate and Marco knows of no young girls was watching the building's CCTV and saw my friend going to open the door to let me out. She started whispering again at the intercom horny stuff, like those you would expect in erotic hotlines (not that I've ever called one)..."come up to my apartment", "give your number", "I'm waiting for you" and such. Exactly at that time came back from a trip to Cataratas del Iguazu Marco's tenant, a US-American girl from Washington, who was quite amused by the fact that such thing could take place! Thankfully, Marco's Brazilian girlfriend wasn't there to hear all this. We got her number without giving her Marco's, I think I'm going to do some sort of prank call because the curiosity is killing me.

Well, the other creepy (well, it's more like 'filthy', I'd say) thing that happened on the weekend went on on Saturday at dawn, as I was heading home from a night out. At about 4am I was a block away from home and I almost barge into an old, dowdy prostitute who happened to be just coming out of someone's house (actually, a hotel familiar, some sort of collective housing scheme organised with individual rooms around a patio and shared facilities such as kitchen and bathrooms). She approached me asking the hour; after I replied she literally asked: "do you want a little blowjob ('petecin') here, on the street?"; upon my denying of her services -on the base of the fact that I "prefer to conquer my girls"- she proceeded to insert her hand into my underwear. After a few seconds of booze-fuelled astonishment, I pulled it out (the hand!) and walked home after going around the block (extra safety - didn't want to let her see where I live; I've heard all sort of nasty stories about guys inviting over girls and getting drugged and robbed out of everything).

Just wow. Talk about a cheap whore! Not that I know her prices, but if that's how she finds clients...

On a completely different note (sorry about the whining, I swear that if I could avoid it I would be a much happier person), I'm still managing to go out and meet people, but I'm feeling emptier and emptier when I get back home, especially since when my therapist suggested I should consider whether I really am happy here. Apparently, not showing any interest in decorating my apartment (home?) IS a signal of something deeper. And well, I have never shown any interest in decorating any place I lived in. It also sucks balls the fact that I'm getting panick attacks again, especially now that I'm letting some thoughts about Sofía creep into my mind after a short period of complete denial (I haven't talked to her in almost two weeks); I can't focus on the reasons, but thinking about where the relationship is now scares me, distresses me and sends me into paranoia; though, I deeply understand that I need to get hold of it now, as in: no denying; facing things; accepting reality; eventually make a decision. But I need to talk to her because I feel I should ask her how she's doing anyway.    

Another Italian friend is also considering what the hell she is doing here, but basically because she feels that not everything that she left back in Italy is done and dusted. In my case, it is quite different, apart from the relationship with my parents, which are still the only people together with Sofia that can manage to get out of me all the anger which I normally don't feel. Especially when they go on about how I should primarily love myself, that I don't need to change to find someone else, blah blah blah, as if I were happy with who I am, as if I had ever been happy about who I am; and because I am not happy with who I am, I can't love myself, I can't care for myself too much, I don't treat myself. If it is true that one of the most important things in life is to learn how to love yourself, well: I'm doomed, then.

Every time I go to the therapist I feel as if part of my mental structures is being broken down. On one hand, I realise that being very rigid with certain things does not help being happy, on the other it feels very strange because I am supposed to deny or give up a 'way of life' (mental structure, kind of approach to life, etc.) which I almost always followed in these years. Although it is just sensible to assume that one person does not change in a day, week, month or year, I wonder whether following certain paths of change makes one lose oneself a bit; since we are what we did, what we thought, how we've always behaved.

Say: one finds out that a way one has always behaved may have hindered him from being happy. Should this prospected happiness be a sufficiently striking reason to change a behaviour, which one may define as typical of one's self?

What can be then rightly defined as a behaviour which is typical of one's personality?

I guess I'll have to leave all these questions open, be receptive (as both my therapist and my mom said, in a very nice and annoying way, respectively.)

Obstinada positividad

Me rompe soberanamente los quinotos la obstinada positividad de quienes quieren demonstrar al mundo que no se tiran para abajo. Cui prodest decirle al mundo entero que escuchás canciones buena onda, que posteás el discurso de Steve Jobs en Stanford, que tenés una foto de perfil con todo un decálogo del porqué la vida es maravillosa y de que no tenemos que perder tiempo no siendo nosotros mismos?

"Hey mundo, mirenme! Estoy de diez! La vida me sonríe!"

Quiero que quede claro: no pongas en tu vidriera tu optimismo y todas esas lindas palabras y los discursos tipo curso de autoayuda, sólo obtendrás que los pesimistas se sientan aún peor, porque nosotros estamos en otro estado mental, nos cega la envidia o nos entristece nuestro carácter de mierda. No podemos vivir sin esa melancolía, que tanto se parece a mi ojera crónica de todas las mañanas.

No les pido, o queridos optimistas, que sean tristes; sólo les pido que no nos vengan a gritar en la cara esos mensajes tan azucarados y empalagosos que al final solamente terminan dando asco. Esos discursos están para que se los crean ustedes mismos.

Pero la alegría es otra cosa. No sé bien qué es, un día lejano puede ser que la encuentre. Pero seguro que es otra cosa; no éso. La alegría no precisa de palabras.

Atte.
Charlie, el melancólico recurrente.

On nights like these

On nights like these I feel like I've given life my best shot. That patience is a virtue and not a given
That I don't know how much I have left to give. I'm tired of being like this, with a vein of sadness and melancholy underlining every day of my life.
Once again I got to the point where I'm sure I'll never be happy because I have never really been. Why just not give up then.

All this talk of getting old, is getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

My stubborness

My stubborness almost made my therapist lose her temper today.
But it was for a good cause.
My head hadn't hurt so much for a long while. But I know why, it's a struggle of breaking through that mind-closedness about certain things, which is a big issue. And trying to get that sorted out is painful.
I've got the luck that I can physically feel this psychological struggle of letting a different idea into my usual mental path. Having a headache is a good sign.

I need to keep it up now!
Keep that headache coming!! Hahahaha

Fucking hell I screwed it

As the title says, all the uncertaintes about work, life, relationship all came together mixed with some anger over a recurrent behaviour of my gf, and boom! There I went and broke up with her! Out of the blue! I did it! Nothing made sense to me last night, so I went there and told in her face I wasn't sure I'm still loving her.
I hate myself for this. I know there's so much more to say about what happened, the whys and hows, but all I can think now is how much I hate myself for being so fragile. Sure there are things the could be improved, but I sometimes I still see everything black.

What hasn't improved - After the storm

What hasn't improved so far is my mood dependence on my sentimental relationship...it takes too large a part in my life. To be fair, it does influence my life a lot, especially in terms of where I currently live and where I want to be in the near future, my career too.
I realised that it is important because I like what I do, I like being an engineer and I like this field, but I want to move on and learn new things, expand to other fields, especially into energy efficiency, renewables and such. Now, there are so many questions that spin from this initial point. I've partly listed them yesterday, however the news is that my boss wants more involvement from me, in the sense of expanding the company's expertise into the field of energy certifications in buildings (namely the LEED programme), for which the company will pay the training costs and such; he also proposed we go together at the ASHRAE Winter Meeting in Chicago...
Thus, we are talking about a bigger commitment, and lesser chances of being able to just walk off of this job; if someone is investing so much in me I realise it's good but I also feel the committment to give back what ultimately is great for my career and CV...all this goes with a long-term plan of being here. What happens if I break up (again) with Sofía? The chances of further my academical studies are also very slender, here. Actually studying again abroad has suddendly looked more appealing. But Sofía is very clear that she doesn't know what she wants to do (!). She says she doesn't want to leave the country but that everything could change in 2 years or so...

Anyway, yesterday I was hitting a tremendous low, I hadn't had such a depression/low esteem/suicidal bout in a long while. After a whole day long of being like this, I eventually picked myself up on my way back from the supermarket (10pm); just like last Saturday, when I stopped overthinking about general stuff, I realised that she also needs to be taken care of. Incidentally, as I arrived home, I found out she was in a good mood, which definitely helped, and although over the phone we had a quite serious communication problem, we're trying to move ahead. She'll be trying to be a bit more open, and I'll be more sensible and sensitive with my commentaries. Again, it's about understanding that what goes for me doesn't necessarily go for the other people. Oh, that hasn't improved either.

But whatever, I'll chat a bit with my parents and see what they have to say about this.

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches

How to draw the wrong conclusions from the late Steve Jobs's speeches?

Well, I manage.

First of all, he's dead.
Secondly, I hate optimist speeches. I don't get inspired by optimist speeches if I have a negative approach. Duh.
Thirdly, I hate people who are geniuses and are optimist.
Fourthly, when someone tells me that I should live my own life and be myself, I look back at all the time wasted and at the fact that presently I still get into depression and believe there's no way to get out of it forever. Like a chronic disease. Like cancer, you'll be sure it will come back at you at some point.

It's about wondering whether this feeling of always needing to leave, change, get back, restlessness, is about not being able to be happy at all or about not having found the right place, the right people, the right state of mind.
Should I just change everything and leave everyone for a new adventure? Will do it any good to me? I moved around and did different things and here I am now, pretty much in the same situation as years ago. Moving is not easy, either; it comes with all sorts of bureaucracy, paperwork, finding a job, basically make a living...would breaking up with my gf and changing job be enough?

How is a relationship supposed to be? Assuming there is a standard is not fair, too. We don't understand each other much. I don't know how to deal with her problems. Part of it is because I tend to be selfish and to consider that everything goes around me and if it doesn't then it is not my concern. How can I go through this without breaking up the relationship? When she points out that I don't care when she cries for stuff which is not related to the relationship, I say it's not true but we both know it's a lie. I hate that, but when someone has a problem, I relate it to me.
I am a selfish bastard.

Steve Jobs advocated for change, but changing so far hasn't solved much in my life, changing place and occupation has been just a way to escape for me, and I can't escape forever.

We shouldn't live someone else's life...but how do I live mine then?

And why shall we pay so much attention to what he says? Because he's been successful? These things don't apply to everyone...they apply to good people only.

Meltdown/nightmares

Terrible Saturday. I had an epic fight with my gf and well, I realised, I am a sort of selfish bastard. I managed to screw up a couple things and friendship/relationships by just telling straight what I think, and it turns out I think about myself only. Why is it so hard for me to realise what the other people's problems are and to actually care for them? Why is my overthinking leading me into a sea of doubt? I feel it's all about either keeping quiet in the wrong moment or saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
Although I had the mental sanity for in that brief second in which I decided to sleep over at my gf's, who was having it rough because of some stuff of her and because of me, instead of going to cry at mine's over my blind selfishness (in hindsight, that sounds sooooooooooo smart), why am I ACTUALLY not caring about other people? That's plain wrong. I hope I will change, that is my aim. I can't bear thinking about my gf having a major problem and not telling me because she doesn't feel to (although that is not so straightforward).
While I was sleeping over I had the worst nightmare I can remember in a while. Those who are so real, that relate so much to your surroundings, that you believe are true. And they went over and over. I woke up and went to sleep several times, and everytime I was on that bed, and she was kicking me out of her place, or leaving me, or breaking up.
I don't fucking know why I idealised her, in the sense that I thought she couldn't have problems, or that every tense or unpleasant moment we spent together was because of me. I don't know where the self-blame ends and where the selfishness starts.
I also backed down from going to a concert with a friend(?), and said literally "the ticket is a lot of money, and moreover it'd be just the two of us", which apparently is a quite mean thing to say to someone (he replied "I didn't know I was so boring to you"). It's just that because I wouldn't deem it to be mean if someone said that to me, I think that such a thing can't hurt others! That is my lack of "info filtering"...
I feel good about having had a long chat with my mom last afternoon..it went a bit deeper than normally.

On the other hand, Arabic characters sometimes look like pubic hair. Not that latin characters don't, but still, I see a closer resemblance.

Little by little

Achievements...how much do I underrate them!
I went over this with my therapist, as the (perceived?) lack of achievements is bugging me. To actually make a house a home is more difficult than it looks, and after all I haven't moved in long ago; sure I've been put under pressure by Sofía on this, as she is expecting me to keep it at least clean...now every week comes a lady to clean the difficult and tedious bits, such as the oven, window panes, window sills, the bathtub, while I can manage sweeping and mopping the rest. After all, living in clean house is healthier for body and mind! Kind of reminds me of the times in Nottingham, living with Tony the freak (a psychopath who eventually got sectioned in the psychiatric ward for a few months...), keeping the house tidy and clean..but with the bonus that Sofía has not any mental health issue and is fundamentally a person who is deeply in love with life; talk about being extra-beatufiul inside!!!


Last week was an amazing sex marathon...like never before. She was just so hot and well, though last Monday was like a bit weird (I set up the house with romantic stuff she didn't really care about because she just wanted to shag. I now am left with this persistent strawberry smell from a candle, which seems to have permeated the library wood. It was like meh, after the third time in a row I was like "enough" while she craved for more) since she was disappointed I hadn't enjoyed it as much as she did. Last Friday and Saturday it was again like being literally on fire, we couldn't stop. I ran out of condoms haha! On Saturday we went to the country house (chacra) to celebrate her father's birthday, had an amazing asado. Though Sofía always finds something to complain about me and bitched about how the relationship had undergone an "involution" (WTF? Just like that in one day? Just because she made mildly critical observations about certain aspects of the housekeeping and my well-known lack of practicity and because I took off my sweater when she asked me whether I was hot), I was able to brush off her hysteria. Then on Saturday night I went to a club with some friends but it was rather terrible: they went there basically to pull (hit on some chick, in the yankee language) but they lack that sort of attitude you need to do that in a club, if you know what I mean (if you don't, write me, I'll explain you the mysteries of life). So, well, I did what I do when I go to a club, which is dance; after all, if I wanted to pull, I'd definitely go to a bar, instead. I so want to go out with Martin the Swede and his friends on Friday: good vibes!


Apart from having some social life, which is an achievement in itself, I should not overlook the fact that I am rebuilding a relationship with my parents, which is no little matter if you ask me. I still am dubious, or rather don't weigh the importance of this, but on the long run it'll do us all good; still waiting to -really- getting in touch with my brother! And well, obtaining the residence permit, though now I have to do plenty more paperwork, is in itself a very good thing! I guess one has to grow up and start doing paperwork and get into all the bureaucracy at some point in life! And here bureaucracy is no less a pain in the ass than in Italy, if possibly even more!

People that piss me off

Seriously, I hate behind-the-back-talking, or however you call it. Even if it doesn't directly involve me, but involves people I know. I seriously hate that need that some people have to create their own group and validate it by taking the piss off the rest, looking down on the rest. Am I the dumbest being on earth, for not needing to do that, that I rather feel sorry for someone instead of laughing on him? As I walk past their computers, they suddendly hide their MSN windows to avoid me reading, one day I'll just come up to them and say that they don't need to hide it, for christ's sake I am not that stupid that I can't see it!

It seriously pisses me off that I have to work with so many people like this, that I actually tend to just look the other way, plug my headphones and focus on the work. Which in a sense would be alright if it wasn't that it really sours and embitters my day that I have to spend 9 hours per day with this class of people. It's just that I can't stand small, shallow talk that distracts me from work. All those little fellas that share uni, friends, job, blah blah blah...It's like, work hard, party hard. But no, there's so much fucking around! In 6 months or so I'm so fucking getting another job!

I regret having tried to befriending these people...I might be a dead serious, bitter, socially inept cheapskate, but I like to be around people I like, heck!

What the fuck are you always laughing about?

Blah..I should stop doing this...close myself in the office and open myself outside. It's not going to last long (they've already people being laid off because they didn't get along with coworkers...) but for now I will have to endure it.

And please, put some decent music on, FFS! Not some rap crap at 10am...

Expectations

I got off to a miserable start of the day when I woke up earlier to tidy up the closet and change the bedsheets but couldn't finish neither of those, and ended up getting late to work. And, I'm getting laid tonight and it pisses me off that I can't think of anything original to do a bit of showing-up..
For fuck's sake...and I have a deadline at work for tomorrow so I'm really short of time.
To feel miserable when nothing really is wrong is so depressing!

Party

Well, party tonight at mine's! I hope it gets well, I'm slightly concerned because the weather is going to be miserable and I do not have enough glasses for everyone but well, it's not formal so whatever...contrary to many people's opinion, I WILL make lasagne.


I also got confirmation of the temporary residence permit! And a pay rise! Wow!


I went to the therapist in a very good mood and it was a bit strange but it was a constructive session still, figuring out how it takes experience to actually manage a house and after all, I'm living on my own since not long ago. And how important it is to be open, understand not only someone else's opinion but also their reasons behind it, the steps they take in making such decision. Since the moment I am confident my parents know why I'm here, what's going on with me, I'm understanding better their point of view and I am concerned about my professional future.


It's hard for me to be open to criticism, even the constructive one.

Ok then

Well, obviously that thing I wrote on Wednesday was, well, something I wrote during one of my "downs" which eventually happen less frequently but still affect me.
It's not nice, though, or encouraging, that often that happens when I have a -as little as it may be- fight with Sofía. It's like I am still too dependent on that for my morale to be high. Which sucks. On the other hand I try to do stuff and think about my future now that I've got the residence permit.
Well, as I discussed this with my counsellor, there a lot of complex issues -problems- which look unsolvable when taken as a whole. I need to break them down in parts and figure out how to solve them one by one. I figured this out when thinking about the relationship with my parents, but it works out well as a general strategy. I need to focus and be more resolute.
On the other hand, I got quite a verbal battering from Sofía last night as she came for dinner last night. It's just that I go throwing stuff around the house and forgetting about them, so that the main areas are acceptably clean and maintained but the laundry room and closet are utterly messy and filthy. It's just that I can't be bothered to tidy it up...
I haven't planned much for the weekend, I hope something comes up with Mariano, Guido or someone else..I have to set up well the house still..waiting for the washing machine, have to buy some stools, print the photos and buy some more frames...and possibly buy an iron (yeah very masculine I know)...
Well, we'll see and hope to stay on a high for a while!

What is the point?

What is the point of progressing, learning and going forward in your career, when you're not happy about your life as a whole in the first place?

Unsettling

My parents just left to the airport and they're going back to Italy...after they spent a week in here, we had a talk about...well...pretty much everything in my life, but essentially about the fact that we don't have a proper parents-child relationship, and the fact that I "interrupted my learning process". Well, that was unsettling and I tried my best to understand their point, but I am narrow-headed. I need to make a lot of effort.


It is easier to break up relations than it is to build them up.