3 October 2011


Terrible Saturday. I had an epic fight with my gf and well, I realised, I am a sort of selfish bastard. I managed to screw up a couple things and friendship/relationships by just telling straight what I think, and it turns out I think about myself only. Why is it so hard for me to realise what the other people's problems are and to actually care for them? Why is my overthinking leading me into a sea of doubt? I feel it's all about either keeping quiet in the wrong moment or saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
Although I had the mental sanity for in that brief second in which I decided to sleep over at my gf's, who was having it rough because of some stuff of her and because of me, instead of going to cry at mine's over my blind selfishness (in hindsight, that sounds sooooooooooo smart), why am I ACTUALLY not caring about other people? That's plain wrong. I hope I will change, that is my aim. I can't bear thinking about my gf having a major problem and not telling me because she doesn't feel to (although that is not so straightforward).
While I was sleeping over I had the worst nightmare I can remember in a while. Those who are so real, that relate so much to your surroundings, that you believe are true. And they went over and over. I woke up and went to sleep several times, and everytime I was on that bed, and she was kicking me out of her place, or leaving me, or breaking up.
I don't fucking know why I idealised her, in the sense that I thought she couldn't have problems, or that every tense or unpleasant moment we spent together was because of me. I don't know where the self-blame ends and where the selfishness starts.
I also backed down from going to a concert with a friend(?), and said literally "the ticket is a lot of money, and moreover it'd be just the two of us", which apparently is a quite mean thing to say to someone (he replied "I didn't know I was so boring to you"). It's just that because I wouldn't deem it to be mean if someone said that to me, I think that such a thing can't hurt others! That is my lack of "info filtering"...
I feel good about having had a long chat with my mom last afternoon..it went a bit deeper than normally.

On the other hand, Arabic characters sometimes look like pubic hair. Not that latin characters don't, but still, I see a closer resemblance.

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