14 August 2011

Something new

Well, I love being on high, even though kind of alone still..some activity on the internet, that's all.
Listening to good, sought after, music is actually good, going for the lyrics and stuff.
Tonight I went to watch a film by Alain Tanner (http://www.filmaffinity.com/es/film954204.html), which is not such a well known director nowadays (apparently), but was supposedly in the '60s. I quite liked it, it made me reflect about many things and generally left me with a good aftertaste, even though the film was about the "ghost characters" of Pessoa, which himself was not a tremendously positive author, as far as I know.
Earlier today, I went to buy the couch which will also serve as a double bed for my parents. Forgot to say, they're coming 'round in two weeks. Kind of a surprise, three-week notice. They're coming on the 27th.

Friday at lunchtime while I was alone in the office I got quite a battering from the secretary...who basically said I should stop bitching about things that I feel are wrong with me, because people get fed up with it; especially if it is a recurrent thing. I should just talk about it with the therapist and no one else. Because people don't want to listen, they get tired. First, I get it, it's not like I live in my own bubble and do not get any sort of feedback. That's why I split up with my ex, duh! [see previous posts]. Well, the end-product of that is that, after all, I'm also tired of speaking about that; I cut down the conversation by saying 'well this talk ain't gonna help me'. You know, I want to do something to get over this shit..ok when I feel down I feel down and I need to improve blah blah but that happens once in a while! I go on trying to be happy my own way: I need good music, good films, good feelings (not necessarily positive), just feel that sometimes someone can bear with me every once in a while that time I can't make it while I try to solve it. Am I asking for too much? I ain't like this every fucking day of my life..I would be dead by now.
I know I've got plenty of work to do and maybe I'm not using the support I'm getting in the best way..ok I should do better at that, remember what I discussed at the therapist, but it all fades away a bit, everyday; would it make sense for me to take notes? I have been told not to spit everything out word by word since it doesn't help reflection (nice rephrasing by me, here) and basically solves nothing. Fair enough, that might be true when that is the only thing one does, but then, it's not my case, and I want to keep track of my thoughts to actually make sense of the things that happen to me. Feeling better is not all about routines on how to fight the lows, in my humble opinion...a bit of digging is good.
On the other hand, I tend to think that my "Zelig" behaviour (I watched a fair bit of the film today before I got bored of it, 2/3 of the way down) is quite typical of my stay in Argentina...I can't recall doing that in the UK. Yet, I was feeling much worse than now, so maybe I should try to work out what was the problem in the UK, or is my situation now just an improved version of what I was like in the UK? I would dearly prefer that the second statement is true.
By the way...laying down on virtual paper my doubts and thoughts does make me feel less anguished because I can see my fears and somehow face them more directly and clearly (I am very unfocused and mentally disorganised)..in spite of those who say that I shouldn't spit my stuff out to people [this blog is purposedly not publicised, by the way, since I don't know what people could comment about].

I know I want to be myself, but I don't know really who I am at the moment haha..so I want to try stuff and see how I react? Music, films and going out.
On thursday I went out to Santelmo with Elis and it was alright..he was dead tired, so in both bars we went to (my two biased Santelmo favourites: The Gibraltar[http://www.welcomesantelmo.com/san-telmo-guia/35ptxdjzq6/Gibraltar] and La Puerta Roja [http://www.lapuertaroja.com.ar/]) as soon as I tried to barge into other people's conversation he left me...I eventually pulled with this 20yo colombian girl, which -it turns out after I had a quick peek at her Facebook the day after- is actually quite pretty. I was quite smashed -since I had beer, which is my alcoholic nemesis- and I couldn't stop telling her all sorts of piropos I would normally not even think about, I was all touchy and huggy, some kisses was all I got but hell we got out of the bar and pulled a bit, which was nice with a lot of biting OUCH!
I subsequently [notice: this sentence may contain traces of overdramatisation] threw the kitchen sink at her to get her to come home with me (yeah, I said that) but since she lived basically on the other side of the province all I got was a nay. She said she was easy, and then I realised it didn't get too far because: 1) I was drunk 2)not being too serious (I did have "the software" on me though), 3) I bought her just one drink after almost everyone in the room told me I had to, and finally 4) because I didn't invite her to a motel-telo (for which I had no money anyway). In conclusion, I gave the impression I was a drunken cheapskate, but that was still good enough haha. We exchanged contacts but I won't follow it up really, I don't care, she was just a girl in a pub (nice feeling though).
Oh yeah, and by the way, that was the second girl I ever kissed in my life apart from my ex. You know why I left it to the end - shocking!!!
Left the bar at 5-ish, waited for the bus, got on the bus, got asleep, got down the bus two neighbourhoods late (same thing happened to Elis), walked 10 blocks to get another bus, got another bus, had breakfast at McDonald's (OH MY GOD), got home at 10 to 7am, had some self-pleasure time, slept less than an hour, woke up, showered, dressed up casually, went to work dodging by chance some ridiculously heavy showers, had a loooong day at work, drank shit loads of water to reestablish the fluids balance in my body (the blood to alcohol ratio), got home, ate, shat, drank a bit more water, got asleep by 9.30pm and slept 12 hours.

And I'm also quite broke because of the acquiring of the couch. And we're not even mid-way through the month...looks like finally I will have to use my stinginess skills!

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