11 August 2011

I got it

Ok I got it why we did what we did, we separated.

We still met, a few times..we went once for a coffee, then for lunch..then we met at the birthday party of two common friends (of her, originally) and went to hers, and had sex for hours; it had felt so weird being next to her and not being able to have her all, I told her after lunch at midday on saturday: and that's how we ended up, largely because she allowed that to happen. I was feeling okay, I was on a high overall, so it was good generally, I was easy and self-confident most of the time; I did have a few moments where I felt that anguish that I can't get rid of. It's a moment when I feel there's something really wrong
I can't say much about why we had sex again, apart from the fact that I needed it, I don't know in what way; it made me feel closer, yet I know how far away I stand and how far I need to be to make good progress with my "issues". I don't think it was right or wrong, we both wanted it and that's it.
I loved it how I could press her on the bed with my chest, grab her gym-worked asscheeks and how I can touch all of her lips. Last time we were in that motel, it was all about visualising her above me and looking at how beautiful her breasts and ass are, how carefully she licked me all over the place and how good it was coming so close together, grabbing each other in a moment of pleasure which leaves me completely drunk. I felt the same thing on sunday, early morning, the last time we did it. On sunday it was dark, and all I wanted was touch and pleasure, the kisses were so warm and her lips down there were soft, I could feel that they hadn't been touched by anyone for two weeks.

In these few encounters, sometimes she didn't feel comfortable, sometimes I didn't feel comfortable; that is very understandable and even expectable, I would say. But it is difficult to accept it, on both sides; sometimes we reproached it to the other when our feelings didn't match.

Everything is strange but I have got very clear why we split up. I guess that no matter how much I find her attractive and how much of a good person I know she is, we can't deal with each other. I have my own problem, which quite luckily I can handle 3 out of 4 times; but that one time I don't, I screw up big time and drive myself crazy about little things, going into a depressive spiral which fortunately I kind of learned to deal with, to the extent that I do not go down as much as I used to. That time I am really down, though, she is not the right person for me; and I am not the right person for her. Last night, for example. [SKIP THIS first time you read it: Since Tuesday night I'm feeling down, since I came back from the theatre class. I'm trying  to be myself, be spontaneous, to say what I think; and I felt empty. That really brought me down and I can't expect to find myself and ideas of mine all of a sudden, when all I did recently was trying to adapt to the rest of the people.] I was half asleep at 10.30pm when she called. I answered, knowing that it was her. She wanted to "talk about a comment I made on facebook", but I eventually didn't matter too much and abruptly told her I had a very depressive (not depressing) day. She went on rationally analysing that there isn't anything really wrong in my life and that I shouldn't depress myself, have so many negative feelings; she went on to say even some good tips, but in a bad way: how it was just a bad day, I should not listen to sad music, you know, react in a positive way blah blah...courtesy of my 'touchy', 'sensitive' attitude, I broke up very frantically and emotionally telling her, crying, how the problem is not in my life but in my head, and that there are things I simply can't control sometimes. Then she said that I should move on and get rid of that, otherwise I should go and proceed to kill myself to avoid 40 years of suffering. I hung up. She called back. I told her to fuck off. She called again and I told her to fuck off again. She said to calm down because it wasn't a big deal. She was right, I then went on to say that I only look for understanding. She does not understand me or her friend Deb, for that matter, who is a bit like me, just about 10 times worse. I told her how by saying that she wasn't helping me at all. I still feel she doesn't understand what's going on in my head. And I accept that, it's only that apart from understanding I would also like someone that by saying certain things can make me look at thing the right way. And just like my mother, she is not able to do it. Them two can't deal with my lows and seem to only make them worse. I somehow feel that they can't grasp what I feel, they are in some other superior place, or just some other place, in which people 99% of the times interpret things in the way they should be interpreted and are not as sensitive and crooked as I am, hopefully not forever...We went on talking about other stuff and it all ended up with a goodbye. On saturday it was nice and we hoped to follow it up but then we (or at least, I) realised why we are where we are.

I don't want to be near her now, I am deceived she told me basically to go commit suicide (told the same to Deb, huh)...thank god for the sex on saturday and sunday, I don't want that to happen again now and at least I feel good about it. I dreamt I kissed Roni because she was nice to me and reminds me of Micaela, the one in theatre classes whose perky breasts and nipples can sometimes be seen through some nice tight white t-shirt.

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