26 July 2011

Losing the path?

I wonder why all the times I separated from her, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind -after thinking about committing suicide or wandering homeless through this country- is thinking about genuinely shagging another girl, just for the sake of proving something.
She’s always the one who breaks up and wants to come back and I am the one that -once we’re apart- wants to fuck off, i.e. escape and basically forget about the pains of the relationship.

Maybe that means forgetting, maybe suppressing the fears again, I don’t know (that’s a good point). See, maybe that’s just another way of eluding these problems that came along our way instead of facing them but...I read today some guy’s note on facebook (he’s a therapist or something along that line) saying that basically that in a relationship such character-related problems should not exist; well, he meant: if a relationship is true, there should be no crease in the shirt, no twig on the path, it should just flow and so on. Is he right or not? Maybe he is idealising how wonderful a relationship should be, but on the other hand his point is that things should flow naturally, is about having fundamentally a good time, feeling relaxed and at ease...honestly, I have to say I haven’t felt this sort of things recently.
It might be because of our different characters, our tempers; it does make me wonder whether this difference is something which is there to stay or something related to our very essences.
I may be speaking too soon, and in all fairness I do feel a bit annoyed and deceived at a couple of things, mainly her lack of understanding and my blinding envy. There’s no excuse for these two things, it’s not about being in a very stressful period, it just sounds like something irreconcilable that needs to be accepted or rejected (and then reject the relationship on the grounds of not being able to cope with those things).

I’d like to be happier, not to miss the train of an enjoyable life...I feel she’s showed me the path but also that she’s demanding me more than I can give to myself and to her. Too much self-respect, self-love and self-esteem. It’s not easy to stack all that up while she’s mocking me; on the other hand it’s not easy for her to have so much patience with someone like me, who’s just started to sort out his life. And well, apart from having to have patience, it must be quite a pain in the ass to deal with a boy that hasn't grown up yet has the mental energy and strength of someone in his late 50's.

I’m basically afraid that once I lose her, I lose my chance to be free and happy. Not because I won’t be able to love anyone else, but because she showed me a way to be more honest, live happier, straighter; and now that I won’t be able to follow her example, that I won’t have her encouragement and even the mocking, I am afraid I will lose the path to all that I’m trying to reach for: peace, having deep relations with the human beings, to appreciate and to be appreciated, to do something important in my life, and the cheerfulness that leads to truly enjoying life while acknowledging –and not cursing– its finiteness.

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