Certain days I wake up and feel good, feel the warmth of my friends, still have something to look forward to..then right at the bottom of my heart, there lie and start to float all sorts of bad memories, bad thoughts that never leave me (like the volatiles of cigarette smoke never actually leave the lungs). The timespan of a short train trip to work is enough to change me.
I feel I become autistic on certain days. Gloominess inside, in stark contrast with the bright sunshine outside. Not giving a flying toss about anything and anyone, including me.
I hate mood swings.
Just yesterday I was going on about how relieved I felt I met again with Sofía...kind of agreeing on terms of what the current situation is..relieved to have kind of cleared it, relieved to have seen her, to have slept with her, yet sad to know that things couldn't really work despite the mutual attraction and respect. It's hard to take it.I also talked about it yesterday night at a dinner with some friends (one of them came back to Argentina from Italy!), and even though I can't forget why the relationship didn't work and can't work now, I also can't help reminding the physical comfort I felt on Saturday, how fun it really was to be with her. And it hurts because after all, I'm heartbroken.
Funny thing, I went on on Facebook about how happy I was Italy won against England in the Euro2012; my ex's mother, who hates the English because of the Falklands' war, congratulated us on sticking it up the Anglos' arse (my rendition of what she actually said). I so wanted to reply, Frankie Boyle-style, "yeah, it was great! Almost as good as shagging your daughter last night!"...but then of course I didn't.
Oh, and finally, still trying to pull myself together: I have a date on Thursday, lunchtime. I briefly met Martin's friend, she's Argentinean, lived 12 years in northern Europe and actually knows who Jacques Brel is. And that little touch of French in her accent is just wonderful.
We'll see, I better get to that date with a better mood though.
As always, my mood does not really depend on what goes on around me, it is just a random state of mind.